20 thoughts on “Sometimes when you get angry, I get scared and want to cry.”

  1. Please talk to this person. They may be shocked to their very core to learn you are frightened at what they may do. I had a temper but I always directed it inward; yelling at myself, hitting myself, the works. I worked hard to change when I learned that my little boy was scared of me because of my anger. I never directed ANYTHING towards him…I just didn’t know that anger is like a force field stretching out beyond me like a giant bubble. The bubble had nothing to do with my son, but when it burst, he still got wet. I just didn’t know.

  2. It’s the worst feeling in the world, I know. I cry because when he gets angry, I want to leave – and that’s not how it should be.

  3. Months after my marriage had ended, my ex told me she was afraid when I got angry. She said it contributed to her side of our break up. It was too late to bother telling her so, but it offended me that she hadn’t ever said anything. People vent. I was sometimes loud in the garage. How could I have known. Damn it. I’m still offended.

  4. This happens to me too, except it makes him even angrier if I cry and then he does take it out on me. It is horrible. Be careful.

  5. I was in a relationship like that. Even after I left, I was still afraid. Don’t feel bad for feeling the way you do! It doesn’t matter why, just that you feel it. Try to stay safe. More people care than you think.

  6. I felt the same way about my now ex. I cried when he yelled and took his anger out on objects. Finally he took it out on me. I loved him for a year and thought his anger would get better. It didn’t.

  7. Whoever is doing this to you, you need to talk to this person, ESPECIALLY if there is any chance it could get physical.
    I used to get scared when my boyfriend got angry. I would instantly stop talking because I didn’t want to make it worse and have it turn to me. He eventually noticed that I would get scared and very sweetly told me he never wants me to be afraid of him. I think ever since he has been really careful about how he reacts to frustrating situations. There is a chance that this person may not know how you feel or how he/she acts.

  8. My husband has an anger problem, you cant tell him he has one. Its like stepping on egg shells all day and I cant tell him because he gets angrier. He is very thoughtful and loving and does a lot for me, I just cant handle the anger issue.

  9. Trust your fears. There is a reason you feel them. There is a reason you do not want to engage with him while he is in this state. You do not have to live with this fear. No one has the right to act that way. No ONE!

    I tried living with my fears when my ex-husband acted like that. He was always so sorry afterwards, but I still ended up with bruises and even broken bones. I learned the hard way that nothing stops a person with that much anger inside. They do not want to deal with it. They do not want to admit they even have a problem. They do not want to be stopped.

    So, stop it yourself. Before you become a victim of domestic violence. Trust your fears. They are telling you something. Listen to them. Keep yourself safe. It is not worth even trying to tell him how you feel or asking him to stop. He can not, and will not.

    I’ve been there. And even decades later, the sound of his voice makes me tremble. But I am safe now.

  10. This feeling you have trust me let it out when no one can hear you a cry your hart out then stop and tell them when they get angry it frightens you they will understand you and remember at this website we care about you

  11. Me too. My dad yelled, and now my partner yells. Its not about me he says. I know it is.

  12. My husband told ME this something over a year ago, and I can give you some advice from an experienced (and also the other) point of view:
    – You have to discuss it! Uncontrolled anger is as harmful to you as it is for your spouse. By bringing this to the surface you are giving your spouse the gift of your honesty and the chance to recover from a destructive downward pattern. If you don’t feel safe doing this alone, arrange a trustworthy contact with mediating skills (no judgment) to be part of the conversation. If the environment feels unsafe arrange another place to stay (possibly for a longer period of time)
    – Explain to your husband what it does to you in feedback style (describe objectively what happened, describe how it made you feel, describe what the result of these feelings are, describe what you whish for.)
    – Don’t accept excuses. If the anger is uncontrolled, suppression isn’t going to work, even if your spouse tries his/her best. Your spouse needs to actively find out what is happening in his/her thinking and feeling and seek help (not you) to discuss it, understand it and overcome it by dealing with unprocessed anger and/or learning different and appropriate responses to situations causing anger.
    – Don’t make the mistake to think it will change by itself or think that domestic violence only happens to other people. It won’t just disappear if undealt with. It will usually become worse! Uncontrolled anger always has deeper roots and is impossible to suppress. It keeps coming back and in time takes on a more severe form. Most domestic violence starts with verbal aggression, then physical aggression towards things, then towards living beings (which is the beginning of the end) and finally results in (attempted) murder. Note that the highest percentage of murders occur in family settings.
    – Get out if he/she gotten physical towards you. As soon as this happens something dramatically changes in the dynamics of your relationship. Your spouse has crossed the line of physical respect and will not move back easily as his/her thinking has changed by this action. Don’t make excuses for yourself or your spouse. Don’t feel guilty. Get out! You are in danger! Remember, sometimes it’s possible to love and forgive and yet keep your distance as a wise decision to protect yourself and your children.
    – After moving out as a result of physical violence, don’t go back until your spouse has proven to be able to control the anger. Test it beforehand.
    – Don’t despair! If your spouse is willing to deal with it, there is hope. If your spouse seeks active help and perseveres he/she has a good chance to overcome uncontrolled anger. Admitting to having a problem is the first step of change, understanding its source and the results are the following steps. Start talking about what has happened until you feel heard, understood and safe. Don’t skip this as a sign of forgiveness, it is a vital step in recovering for the both of you. Learning different skills to deal with anger in an appropriate way will teach your spouse to overcome the uncontrolled anger. Help him/her by showing how you can get positive results from being friendly but assertive and saying sorry without being/feeling like a failure as a person. Saying sorry is about restoring relationships. If you don’t posses the assertiveness skill follow a training, your relationship will profit from it.

    My story
    When my husband told me I sometimes scare him I felt misunderstood at first. I was somewhat indignant because I could never hurt him since I was the woman, smaller and physically less strong.
    But when he described it was as if something has gotten an hold of me and opened up a whole pit of unrelated fury that scared him, I had to admit that I couldn’t control this thing myself and actually was potentially dangerous. I knew I had to deal with it on a deeper level and not just try to ignorantly suppress it. But this scared the crap out of me! If I didn’t, I knew this would irreversibly destroy many things as it did with my family.

    It confused me too. I’ve grown up in a very manipulative environment and learned from early age I couldn’t be my extraverted self. Saying sorry wasn’t about restoring relationships but more about humiliation and power. This made it very hard for me to even look at my own behavior. I felt judged as a person. I felt I wasn’t allowed to be/express myself around the one I loved the most. It had already taken me years to recover from my past, learning to accept myself and not seeing my extraverted personality as something wrong that had to be changed. Therefore it was very hard for me to separate my angry behavior from whom I was as a person and having the right to stand up for myself. I felt the need to protect my freedom of expression because it had been cruelly crushed in the past. But because I valued my relationship I took a lot of guts to deal with it and try to understand what was happening in my thinking and feeling. I learned a few valuable lessons. Anger is a sign of a sense of righteousness. In itself anger isn’t wrong. You can compare it with an alarm that goes off when something or someone has crossed your line. Yet the expression of anger is something that needs to be equal to the situation. It isn’t normal to yell at someone who cuts into the line in front of you even if it is widely viewed as annoying. Yelling would be more appropriate in immediate danger, like physical abuse. A friendly but firmly suggestion that the person should wait in line like everyone else would be more appropriate. This reaction however was still quiet far from my reality as my blood started boiling with little irritations. I learned my bucket of anger was already filled to three quarters with unprocessed anger. It took very little to let my bucket overflow. It was time to deal with this unprocessed anger in therapy. I was ashamed to have become aggressive just like my father. The only difference was that I didn’t (yet) beat my spouse. I’ve seen my father’s aggression progress over the years and have seen how much pain and devastation this brought not only to my mother but to my whole family. My sister and brother struggled in their relationships dealing with manipulation from their spouses and are both separated with heartbroken children. My other sister is sometimes disrespectfully treated by her spouse and children and said she has already emotionally died many years ago. And my mother, no words can express how much she’s broken. She never had the chance to flourish and be her beautiful self and has been misunderstood her whole life. Even by her own children. I even blamed her for the abuse that went on. Now I know better. Leaving uncontrolled anger unchecked has devastating results not just for the abused spouse but for her whole family and even friends and other relatives. It kills peoples trust and brings ongoing sorrow in many forms. So for me there was a lot to work trough: My family situation, other abuse, past failing relations (friends and boyfriends), difficult job situations and being misunderstood in general. I found that my anger has been my protective shield, a sort of trustworthy companion. Yet over time has become a master I couldn’t control anymore. It not only protected me in danger it withheld me from being empathetic in conflicts. I had to let go of my defenses and this made me feel very vulnerable. At first my therapist and my husband didn’t understand the depth of it, but being open and honest about my fears made me feel more understood. I learned that there is no need to scream at the top of my lungs. I’m being heard, understood and loved. And in this setting I felt safe to deal with my greatest fears. Now a year later my anger ‘attacks’ have become more sporadic as my bucket is being emptied. And when I do get angry in an inappropriate way and need to say sorry I think of the way my husbands says ‘I’m sorry’. He didn’t say it as dramatically as I did while feeling like a horrible person. He said it knowing in his heart that he is a good person who made a mistake, understands how I feel and will deal with it. My wonderful hubby, I love you for being strong yet kind and having patience and the love to help me trough this.
    Just lately I told my husband how horrible I felt for making him feel unloved when I was acting angry and indifferent towards his feelings. I also told him I needed him to always keep confronting me when I’m hurting him. This way our relationship remains healthy and we both can grow and become better people.

  13. I can honestly say I I know how you feel….so much that I feel that everyone says to “say something” except at least my experience has been that saying something opens up a whole other argument.. …the tragic thing is that if you loved this person at one point or another, this behavior certainly pushes them out of your heart a little each time….i must say I have a strong limit against the physical. He knows this, I have said before “you touch me and u will never see your son or myself again” which is why he has kicked the door or punched the wall..the sad thing is, now when it happens I almost want him to try and hit me just so I can have a reason to make him leave. I wish he could have fixed this long before when I actually loved him. I hope for you, it is not too late..i do believe u must love yourself before you can love others, its hard to when you are yelled at to feel less than worthy of the titles: mother, wife, woman, lover. I just hope for the courage to leave this situation for myself, my son, you and others like us

  14. Looking for a little insight. My girlfriend recently broke up with me over an argument we had. I got heated so naturally I was loud. I said some inappropriate things to her and because I was so angry she felt scared. When she brought this to my attenti on during the argument I immediately reassured her that I was only mad about the situation and would never hurt her. I even held her for a moment and kissed her forehead. I’ve never reacted this way to her and would never hurt her. I’ve confessed some domestic issues about myself when I was at a younger age. She now brings that up. The thing is I’ve changed and love and respect her and she knows this. Before this incident we were talking of marriage and a baby. Now she’s not sure that she can trust me. This truly kills me because after two failed marriages and a lot of heartache I’ve found a woman I really connect with. We both feel the same way. She says that it’s not over forever but I have a lot of work to do. I’m very frustrated and confused. By the way she’s had a failed marriage and a bad relationship. Also her father was very verbally abusive to her mother and possibly her and her siblings. I understand those issues and been more than supportive with all of her issues. It took a long time to get her to open up and be in a relationship. Not with just me but with anyone. I’m the only one she’s connected with in many years. So after my long story my question is how do I fix it and us both carry on being the happy couple we were before I made this mistake?

  15. I hate to keep rambling but I think it’s important that you know as many details as possible. She has told me that noone has ever made her happier and that she’s never loved someone as much as me. I just want to put the best thing we’ve ever had back together again. Any response will be much appreciated.

  16. Erick, have you considered going to therapy to deal with your anger? Taking concrete steps to fix the problem will help show her you really will do whatever it takes to change this behavior.

  17. To Missy, who wrote on August 9, 2013,
    It was a long time ago that you posted that now, but your post about your story with your husband deeply resonated with me, and if you are still being notified on this post, I want you to know that I’ve never read a point of view online about anger that meant so much to me, even when specifically searching for some idea of whether anyone else out there experienced the same thing. Some parts of the process you went through are absolutely identical to mine. Being misunderstood, needing to scream and shout to get your point across, simmering with rage over very minor inconsiderateness (if that’s a word). I suspect we have differing experiences behind these feelings, but I nonetheless would desperately love to talk to you about this. Anonymity cuts two ways!

  18. I know how you feel. My husband would never hurt me, but because of my past when he gets angry I hide and cry. Its scary and the worst part is he doesn’t deserve it. He would never hurt me in any way.

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