I’ve never had a boyfriend..

I've never had a boyfriend..

I’ve never had a boyfriend because I don’t believe anyone would love me.

25 Comments on “I’ve never had a boyfriend..

  1.  by  Tom McG

    If you listen very carefully, you can hear the voice inside you that says good things about you before “The Judge” rushes in to tell you that you are wrong, ugly, worthless, whatever. That quiet little voice is YOU…it is the SELF…your SELF. THAT is what others see. The real SELF inside you knows how wonderful you are; what a beautiful person lives in your body. You may have to fake it for a while…play “pretend” for even what seems like a long time…but if you keep reminding yourself that he is seeing what that little voice is telling you, you will eventually hear the voice more clearly. You will be able to really accept his love, revel in it, and, although hard to believe, it will make the love you are feeling towards him richer and stronger. This is the process of loving yourself, which you have to do to be able to believe anyone else can love you. Hang in there…pretend hard (for a while)…and it will all come to you, Sweetie.

  2.  by  Laura

    My friends always ask me why I love being single so much, I don’t, I just don’t believe that anyone can love me. I come across as confident because I am trying to hide and forget all the ugliness inside. I don’t want to feel like this and I tell myself I don’t want a boyfriend but I am only lying to myself, as well as to everyone around me. I do want somebody to love me but I am also scared to love him in case I get hurt and the ugliness inside just grows and eventually spirals out of control.

  3.  by  A Friend

    I feel such a similar way.
    But I’m sure that guy is out there for you, who’ll love you for being the amazing person that you are. Don’t lose hope, it just might take some time. 🙂

  4.  by  Laura

    I don’t know if that guy is out there, I have so many insecurities and issues that I wouldn’t let somebody even get that close to me for his sake. I always do the same thing, let someone in so far and then push them away, it’s not just with guys either, it happens with my friends too. I only just confessed this to my best friend and he vowed that he wouldn’t let me do that but even now I feel less close than we were, I am quite self destructive and when I am happy I find a reason not to be, it is unhealthy but I am stuck in the same loop. I have also been best friends with a girl for 5 years and not even she knows everything about me because I love her too much to let her into that dark place. The only reason I told my other best friend this is because I owed him some truth because he told me something he never told anyone else before, but I regretted it straight away and even now I regret it because he feels too close and I miss the comfort of him not being so close and not having to tread on egg shells in case I mess up so bad he can’t forgive me because I don’t want to lose him. I suppose that’s why I don’t want a boyfriend, in case he gets too close and I lose him too. In the words of EL James ” I am fifty shades of fucked up ” just not nearly as hot as Christian Grey!!

  5.  by  Tom McG

    Laura, please try to find someone to talk to. If you can’t find a woman therapist because you are too young to pay for it, then you most likely can get something through your school. You are NOT the horrible person you think you are. Your two friends can see that but it is hard for you to overcome that inner voice that tells you what a malignant tumor you are. You are a beautiful, thoughtful person. The mere fact you go so far not to hurt others or burden them with your perceived “evilness” demonstrates that fact. You CAN get out of this hold. You should try to get out of this hole. You have far to much to offer the world and you SO deserve to feel the love that you give to others (your friends). Please please try. You are magnificent!!!!

  6.  by  Laura

    I love this site. Everyone really does just try to help. It’s not that I think I have evil inside me it’s just that I don’t want to let people in. I am a bit of a control freak and if they get in so deep and know so much about me then I can’t control how they will react to some of the stuff I do. I think I do this stupid stuff subconsciously because I can’t have people so close and it’s like I have an overwhelming urge to drive them away before either I hurt them or they hurt me. In the end we both get hurt because either I loved them and my insecurities took over and I did something unforgivable or I push them away after they get so close, resulting in each of us hurt. I try so hard to protect them from my self destructive nature but I still hurt them due to this trait. Even though I know I am hurting them I have a need to protect them and this need over takes all rationality of keeping them. My friends always tell me that I am such a loving person and always put everyone else’s needs before my own. I just can’t stand hurting people and yet in my quest to keep them safe from me or from other stuff I end up suffocating them or hurting them. I can’t let myself be vulnerable and I am always the “strong” one of my group but on the inside I feel so lonely and weak that this is the only thing I can do to keep myself occupied from my depths of unhappiness. It’s not even unhappiness so much as I am happy with my life but I feel like every time I push someone away that I love, a little bit of me crumbles inside and yet I can’t stop it. I don’t even know if I can change how I look at life until I find this perfect person that I will love so much that I have to change my outlook in order to keep them, well this is what I tell myself anyway.

  7.  by  Alexis

    Laura, if you’re always busy trying to push away those who love you to protect them from you, you’re hurting them for a reason that they can’t understand. And if you do push them away, how will you protect them from others, or comfort them when they are hurt?

    Whenever my boyfriend and I feel like a burden on each other, we remind one another that if I share my burden with him, and he shares his burdens with me, then neither of us has hurt or over-burdened the other. We’re sharing the load and working together to get through hard times. And on the other end, we get to celebrate during the good times – together!

    The risk is worth the reward.

  8.  by  Laura

    I understand that I am hurting them when I am pushing them away, yet I can’t help it. It is irrational and controlling but however much I try to avoid hurting them I always end up doing it anyway. I don’t even realise that I do it until they are gone, then I notice the same pattern emerging again. It is like a defence mechanism that I have built in, as soon as anyone gets too close I can’t help but alienate them, however much I try not to I make excuses of why I can’t see them or why I need to move on, deep down I know these excuses are all lies.
    It all started because I developed feelings for my best friend of 10 years when I was about 13 but when I told him, he humiliated me in front of the whole year and soon everyone knew. It wasn’t that that really bothered me, it was the fact that we were so close, had grown up together, he was the one person who knew everything about me but still loved me then he just cut off all contact and I had not only been humiliated but I had lost my best friend. I can’t bear to let anyone that close again incase they hurt me like that again. Now I only tell people what I want them to know and pretend to be this outgoing woman with a hard exterior when really all you have to do is scratch the surface and you get a fragile little girl afraid of commitment and emotion. I mean I have the normal amount of emotion but I find it very difficult to tell people just how much they mean to me, especially my best friends. I don’t know why because I would literally die for them but when faced with telling them I pretend like I don’t really care and most of the time I come across as a bitch. My friends accept that this is just me but I can’t help wanting to change and show them how much I love them, but I can’t bring myself to say those 3 little words. If I can’t tell my friends this how am I ever going to enter into a relationship??

  9.  by  A Friend

    Laura, it’s weird I see a lot of who I am in what you say. I’ve been down a similar path in that any people who are my friends that I’ve opened up to, even a tiny bit have been there for me initially but then slowly edge away, and I can’t blame them I know I probably asked way too much of them. The worst was a friend who I loved like she was family, I care so much about her, and then she just slipped out of my life, it hurt a lot. Considering what happened to you I can understand better than most why you act the way you do around your friends. I do the same thing, they mean so much to me, and that’s why I don’t tell them most things about me I don’t want to burden them with my problems.
    Unfortunately the problem with getting close to someone there will always be that risk of something going wrong, and you’re going to have to take a chance on something bad happening if you want something good to come out of it. With your friends, just start by telling them little things, or helping them out that the way I show I care, and sometimes I feel comfortable enough to say more. I’m still terrified I might hurt them though so I can’t ever go too far with it.
    My point is, you sound like a caring lovely person, and I’m sure one day you’ll be able to tell your friends and then someone just as amazing as you deserve will come along. You can do it :).

  10.  by  Laura

    Everyone says the same thing. But it is still so hard to listen to nice things and take them on board as well. I never tell my friends what is really bothering me because I don’t want to burden them with my problems either. I sort of see myself as a person who should be there for them no matter what but I don’t think it’s fair that they should be there to listen to me whine on and on aboutbmy problems when they have their own stuff going on. I know this is irrational as we all need someone to talk to but I still can’t bring myself to tell them about my problems, that’s not my job.
    My best friend knows about the story of why I see myself as i do but once I told him I hated myself for burdening him with my crap, then he vowed not to let me push him away but even now I feel him slipping away. I seem to just pick fights with him over stupid stuff to see his reaction and it always ends with him ignoring me. Why do I do such stupid stuff. I don’t purposefully do it but every time I open up to him now, and he is the only one I will open up to, he doesn’t text back or ignores my phone calls. I knew I regretted telling him for a reason and this is why I don’t tell people the depths of my problems, they can’t handle the shit I tell them! I love him so much and don’t want to lose him but friendship is about trust and honesty and I gave him that and he ignored me. This makes it sound like he is a bad friend, he isn’t, I just think he is scared by how complex I actually am when on the outside I seem so simple and strong.

  11.  by  A Friend

    Laura that first paragraph is me in a nutshell as well. I’ll give out so much advice to my friends, be there for them, listen no matter what, and then when it comes to me I’ll deflect or ignore them. It is irrational really, but like you it doesn’t stop me from acting that way all the time. I suppose I feel safe acting like that or something.
    I’ve done the whole pushing people away for their own good so much, and I swore this year I wouldn’t get too close to anyone, I wouldn’t open up and go down that road again, unfortunately I couldn’t help it and I feel I’ve pushed away a good friend again.
    I’m not going to tell you the usual things people say, that you sound like such an amazing person who just needs to take it one step at a time and you can get there and that time changes things, because even though it’s true if you’re anything like me you’ll say thanks and pretend you agree and yet you won’t take it on board.
    I’m trying to say I get the way you act and feel, because I live in a similar way, and I don’t know what else I can say really.

  12.  by  Laura

    Yeah I am sort of stuck for advice for people that talk to me with similar problems to me because that makes me a hypocrite. My friends always come to me for advice and like you I give it out and as soon as the topic turns to me I feel chlostrophobic and just shut down. However I also vowed not to let anyone else in this year, then my best friend came along and sort of took over my brain. He knew I was complex anyway because he would always have great fun trying to figure me out, of course he never could but I revelled in that fact, like I was a tough nut to crack sort of scenario. Obviously looking back I just realise that he could never have known how fucked up I am. Now I have pushed him away with all my honesty, something I don’t dish out a lot but maybe he just can’t handle it. I suppose I have to accept that. However I am annoyed mostly at him because he knew I was hiding something, i told him to drop it but he never, he just knows me too well for a year of friendship, and he kept at me and at me until I told him the truth. Then he tried to analyse me again like he does all the time. This time though he could see I was shutting down because he knows how raw I felt after telling him. He left and we never spoke about it again. Not talking about it though sort of left a tension between us and if he would make a joke about me like he normally did, he would look at me and judge my reaction, I know he was only trying to spare my feelings but I never told him because I didn’t want our friendship to change like it already seems to have. I want to talk to him about it but that means unloading my problems on him, catch 22 no?? I just our friendship to go back to normal when we were both keeping our own stuff private but obviously I can’t take he truth back.

  13.  by  A Friend

    Yeah I get the situation you’re in, I’ve had similar ones before. There’s really only two things you can do. Either you leave it alone and potentially he’ll slowly get more distant, or he’ll remain a friend but not as close because of what’s happened between you. Or you can throw caution to the wind and try to talk to him about how you feel telling him has affected your friendship and how that’s troubling you. That way either you’ll resolve your issues and maybe go back to the way the friendship was before, or it might push him even further away.
    Every single time I’ve taken the first option, and on nearly every occasion I’ve regretted not doing something about it. In the end it’s up to you, and I’m sorry for you that you’ve landed in this situation, and I hope whatever decision you make things turn out for the best. 🙂

  14.  by  Laura

    I don’t know if I can risk telling him how I really feel in case he thinks I am all sorts of crazy. But I don’t want to lose him either. Friendship should not be this difficult.

  15.  by  Sally

    You know one of my friends actually told me the same thing once, she said she didn’t believe in love because her dad had cheated on her mom and she just lost total faith in it. That was about 2 years ago, and now in August she’ll be going out with a guy for a year, and she says she is in love with him. I think you should try it out, you never know what might happen 🙂

  16.  by  V

    I’m 32 and I’ve never been in a relationship. Now I’m sure I never will.

  17.  by  Tom McG

    V, you are ONLY 32!!! Give yourself a break!! I’ll wager you HAVE been in a relationship, you just wouldn’t let yourself see it. If you have had a close friend, a work spouse or even worked or spent a lot of time with someone you have had feelings for, you have been in a relationship. You have something to build upon. All a relationship is,really, is that you have a friendship. It becomes an “Official Relationship” when heavy breathing, mental or physical, enters the picture. If you can spend some time with people you like…even if you have to force yourself to do so…let them worry about if you are horrible or hurtful or whatever holds you back. Just concentrate on breathing, remembering how to walk, usually making sure you left the house dressed is a good idea (forgetting pants or something like that can give a wrong first impression)…essentially putting one foot in front of the other…you may find that you learn to relax around others and “likes” and “loves” can build from there. This is so hard to do but you can and you need to do it. Once again…”fake it until you make it.” V, it will probably be the hardest thing you have ever done, but really and truly, it is SO worth it. Please. All the best to you.

  18.  by  Chris

    Crap, we are all loved, it is inside you, let it out

  19.  by  JustAGirl

    If you can’t love yourself, how can you ever love anyone else? Or even accept love from someone else?

  20.  by  Lena

    Laura, I’m similar.I trust no one and push people away, because I feel if i put all my trust in them i will go tumbling down. So I convinced myself I didn’t like someone selfishly in order to not let myself get in too deep, even though they poured their heart out to me. I hurt him so bad, then 6 months later I realised my behaviour and how it had to stop. i came to realise actually how much I actually liked him, so I told him and now he’s broken my heart in spite

  21.  by  StarrySky

    I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’ve always had soo much hope and optimism but it never happens! I’m in my mid 20’s. I’ve been waiting my whole life to be loved by an amazing beautiful guy. I’m also the same way. I guard myself from letting people get to close. Its comfortable to me because in my past I’ve had ex friends (they weren’t even friends. We only hung out a few times through out the 3 yrs we knew each other in college)who would mock me and look down on me when i tell them my inner fealings, problems or struggles and even my opinion in the most simplistic of things. I’ve even never have had a best friend before. I am a quite reserved person but not because I’m shy I’m just an introvert. I do love having a conversation. I am a nice generous and empathetic person. I look at life as if through a colorful kelidoscope

  22.  by  Jen

    I was loved by other people, but I never loved them back and hated myself for it. It was only after I decided to just be happy on my own that I found someone I could love.

  23.  by  Sides4peace

    Expand your horizons then hun, fuck them if they ignore you, women are just as lovely.

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