My dad ruined my emotional state when I was young and growing up

My dad ruined my emotional state when I was young and growing up

I told my dad I HATE him and I have blanked him out of my life.

When really I LOVE him more than any of my family who are BETTER to me than he ever was.

50 thoughts on “My dad ruined my emotional state when I was young and growing up”

  1. I love my 8 year old daughter more than life itself, and I do everything I can to show her that. One of my greatest fears is that while she is growing into an adult, our relationship might ever degenerate to the point where she might have the reason to write a post secret like this one. If my wife or son died, I’d be distraught. If my daughter died, I’d probably kill myself.

  2. I know exactly what you’re going through. You’re always going to love your father, and you have stronger feelings toward him because of what he did to you. He ruined your mental state…everyone else(im guessing) has given you unconditional love when he hasn’t. You love him more to replace what you’ve lacked for years…it will get may want to think about talking to him. but that is completely up to you. 🙂

  3. I know I wasn’t the greatest Dad. However my love has never diminished or disappeared from sight. You just never looked in the right place.

    Things aren’t always what they seem and growth and maturity tend to change our perspective.

  4. I feel the same. My father, who I learned wasn’t even my father, ruined my emotional state for years because he cheated and we left. I am so unhappy in my life without him, but I hope one day I will see him again and we can re-start that beautiful father-daughter relationship we had.

  5. My dad left when I was 2. I didn’t really know him, but I don’t think I’ll ever get over the fact that he didn’t care enough to stay.

  6. My dad cheated and left when I was a teenager. Years of abuse left me (and my mom) broken people and nearly cost me my life. Despite this a part of me once nothing more than to be ‘Daddy’s little girl’ like I was when I was really young. I hate the fact that it means so much to me.

  7. I felt the same way after my dad left us again. The first time I was 4, the second time was on my 26th birthday. Saturday he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I saw my dad for the first time in a long while yesterday. I feel lucky to have some time to make amends.

  8. My father was emotionally/physically abusive alcoholic when my brother, sister and I were small. I was able to forgive him instantly after each altercation… He would appologize. But, my mother who died much earlier than him I had a hard time forgiving.. I just never understood how she could keep us in a home where we were afraid. That is my biggest regreat.

  9. I know how you feel, my dad chooses drugs over my brother and me and ruined my ability to communicate with people because I’m afraid they’ll snap at me like he did. but no matter how hard I try I can’t hate him. And believe me, I want to.

  10. My biological father didn’t want to be a dad.

    My adoptive father (understandably) left my crazy adoptive mother. And me. And his sons.

    That left me to be abused for years, until i got out. Straight into several abusive relationships.

    I have bad luck with dads.

  11. My dad left my mom when I was 6. She kicked him out. Wasn’t until I was in my 20’s I realizes what a Hugh waste of my time he was. My mother knew this but never said a word because she felt we should have a relationship. This is why I love my mom more than anything. And my dad too. He’s the guy mom married next. That’s who I call MY dad!!!

  12. My dad is a wonderful person. But I grew up in a house with lots of sadness. Now we are both sad & damaged. it is still hard.

  13. I had a father that abused me and my family up until my teenage years. He has deteriorated the mental state of my mother’s, my sister’s and mine. He was never a father to me but as much i pretend to hate him, I will always unconditionally love him. I forgive him because I now understand he was not sane. I am glad that hatred has not taken a hold of me, instead i am filled with compassion and love for those who are ill.

  14. my dad was the same way i fought with him and never really told him i loved him now he’s dead i regreat it not telling him becuase he knew i felt the same way …and thats alone

  15. My father also destroyed me emotionally. He was unable to provide for me or my 3 other siblings, and he took out all his frustration on us. He seemed to gather an incredible amount of anger from that frustration, and would try to break us down to deal with it. So he’d tell my siblings that they were idiots, gay, would never make it in life, could not handle school, would never get a job, etc. He’d tell me I’d never get married, looked ugly, was fat, my personality sucked, I was awful to be around. It seemed as if he wanted to break our spirit in any way he could. If he could have killed with words we’d all be dead by now.
    I don’t know what to tell you. I moved to a different country to be away from him and I healed a lot. But I returned some years later and it started again.

    I won’t be able to have a family of my own or kids, ever. I will live my life to try to undo the damage he did to me. That’s my life. Try to cure the wounds that he inflicted, and I suspect they will never heal.

    Wish you well.

  16. Im 20. Have never been on a date or had a relationship. let alone had sex. Im worried I will never open up because im still waiting for a relationship with my father, that I will probably never have, because he stopped being affectionate when my mother died. He is a good person and i know he tried. Its not enough.

  17. my dad broke me more and more…and yet i never seem to be able to keep my distance and stay angry

  18. I feel exactly this way. I think it’s because you always wanted that love that you never felt you truly got. my dad was a drunk who hit me and told me he hated me and wished i’d die and rot in hell with my mother, but yet I always cared most about making him proud and trying so hard to get his love…

  19. I told mine, after he moved to my hometown after being away for 90% of my life with maybe a phone call every other month, that i hatedhimhatedhimhatedhim. I told him how I would never consider him a real father, how my ex-step dad was now the fatherly figure that he had never been.
    The day after he had an MS attack. I’m scared to death that that attack, that will forever alter his life, is all my fault, for saying those things.
    iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou (but i don’t think i could ever say it.)

  20. Its because of my dad ruining my mums life that i pushed the only person in the world i love away. i watch his life from a disstance wishing i could be in it knowing im not good enough. i want to tell him how i feel.

  21. To the person who forgave her abusive father but not her poor mother: WHAT? Talk about victim blaming and the assumptions of a sexist society (everything bad men do to women is the woman’s fault or else her responsibility to deal with, never his). Ever think about WHY she didn’t feel able to leave? How about putting the blame fairly and squarely with the ABUSER, i.e. *him*?
    Reason number 3,597 aand counting why I am a feminist. And yes, my Dad was an abuser too.

  22. I wish my Dad had left, because the years of emotional and physical abuse have left me so messed up that I can’t deal with my own love life, even though I’m well into my 20s now.

    I hate him, and he’s still around, and he’s still a horrible person.

  23. My father was a drunk. I grew up with violence and emotional abuse since I was a baby and now I’m 20. My father recently stopped drinking because of his health. I am emotionally broke because of him. I become nervous around people who fight and when I hear a door slam a little part of me dies. My mother enabled him and took his abuse and taught us how to “take it” without even realizing… how do I explain to people the shit that I’ve gone threw? I can’t open up to anyone because I’m afraid of being judge, like I’m ashamed of my life and its not even my fault. I’m afraid to be happy because to me it never last.

  24. I can understand this, better than i want to, my dad who has been in and out of prison for my whole life, and constantly lied about evreything to me, and to evreyone else, i have a hard time connecting with ppl, ive never been in a serious relationship, i have trouble trusting ppl, i want to hate him for all he’s put me thrugh but i cant no matter how hurt i feel, no matter how bad and torn up i can never bring myself to hate him

  25. Seriously, you all need to stop playing the victim- no one can make things better for you, you have do everything you can to help yourself! My parents have done shocking things, but I’ve managed to overcome that with a multitude of things: therapy, people I can trust and a whole lot of unconditional self love. It is possible, if you refuse to live life being angry and frightened and withdrawn from the world. Make yourself happy, learn to trust, love and forgive yourself and the rest will follow…

  26. When i was 7, my dad left because he cheated on my mom. When I was younger, I couldn’t forgive him. He left us for some woman that you could say is my stepmom. But the thing is , I do like her, because she probably didn’t know he was married… I don’t know. But my question is: why would he ruin my life? I have to explain to my friends that i can’t come over. What the heck!?!

  27. I understand how you feel. I’m 20 and my father is the most pathetic old man I know – constantly yelling for no reason and blowing up over the dumbest little things. I’m the youngest of 5, but growing up he would treat my mother like dirt and yell and degrade her and really put her down. My older brother even pushed him once before for shoving my mother and my father ran like a little girl and locked himself in the room.

    I don’t know what to tell you, we are all different, but don’t feel like you’re the only one, because I feel the same way.

    My mother up and left him and it’s been over a year now, and I hope she never comes back to this hell hole – for her sake. I’ve grown to not like my father for treating my mother so poorly, when she did everything for my siblings and I, and he just caused emotional damage.

    I can’t wait till I move the **** out and this old worthless man is by himself for the rest of time, because honestly, all the pain I fell – I will turn it into affection and comfort around my own kids when I have them. His loss is my gain.

  28. I’m 15 and since the age of 5 I’ve known that my father favoured my sisters over me, he went to visit them often in Jamaica and America and would provide for them regularly while he left my mum to struggle when she brought me to England. And even as a 5 year old girl I knew that “daddy” supported my sisters and not me, he would call about once every 5 months and despite that as a little girl I loved him unconditionally and always had a huge smile on my face when I spoke to him on the phone, fast forward a few years and at age 13 we had he huge argument and he said he didn’t want to be associated with me anymore . After a year of not speaking to each other he called me and we made up, but I e never felt the same about him. Now at age 15 those feelings of unconditional love has turned to feelings of emptiness and uncertainty of my love for him, it disgust me that I am his daughter and I wish my mum had cheated on him, I don’t trust anyone anymore, I am still single while most of my friends have boyfriends, I prefer to sit in silence rather than talk to people, I keep a fake smile plastered to my face when I’m around others even my own family, I act like I’m the most confident person in the world when in reality I have none, im ashamed of my past, I’m scared to settle down and have a family incase I hurt my children like he has hurt me… Thanks allot dad

  29. growing up i was diagnosed with borderline and bipolar disorder. my father has a type A personality and he demands perfection from my brother and i. when i was as young as 8 he would make us jog for 2 hours straight because he told me that no one would love me if i ever got fat. he forced me to exercise five days a week until i turned 15 and told him i wasn’t gonna do it anymore. he kept calling me a quitter and a loser. he said i lacked discipline and was weak. i also told him i wanted to be a doctor because i have a great memory, but he told me to be realistic because he honestly didn’t think i had it in me. he would always, ALWAYS make me feel unworthy . like i was never gonna be good enough. when i was 17 i got a job as a radio dj playing rock music,at 18 i became a writer for a upscale magazine and a host all at the same time. regardless of everything i achieved he still makes me feel like scum. still…..i can’t bring myself to hate my father. but i badly wish i could. now i am almost 20,and i am anorexic along with my mental disorders.

  30. Sometimes we get angriest at the parent or person who we know won’t ever leave us, but then we turn around and forgive the parent or person that ignores or otherwise hurts us. I did that as a teenager, and now BOTH parents ignore me for one reason or another. I take each relationship as it is, and I keep in mind that there comes a time that the family you create is more important than the one you are born into. Some people get there earlier than others .

  31. I know this story all too well.However, now that I am middle-aged and my father is old, things are different.I am now the stronger person and he will either be nice to me or be torn a new one.And he knows the power has shifted.It’s very satisfying.And,yes, I could be mean to him, but there is no fun in berating a weak old man.I’m happy to be the bigger person.

  32. I have let go. I have accepted this.
    I think the important thing to remember is that everybody has problems. Although my problems seem big to me, in the scale of the world my problems are laughable.
    I am alive, I have a home, I have people around me who love me (friends, mother). My dad didn’t mean it – he didn’t and still doesn’t realise what he has done and it would be unfair to blame him because he obviously has his own problems.
    The only way to move forward is to let it go. Stop the self pity though please! See a therapist – that was the best thing I ever did!
    I wish you all happy futures – as fighters and survivors of domestic abuse

  33. My “dad”…? Well… I will never love him now, I did as a kid, but then I was too young to realise it was abuse, we thought it was normal! He told us he did it because he cares! Beating a kid about the face, calling her smelly and stupid, is caring to him, apparently. Lecturing us over stupid things for hours on end and making us STAND all the way through them without so much as a shuffle to get more comfortable, is his idea of caring! Lectures that consisted of “If you switch it on, switch it off… if you drop it, pick it up..”, followed by a whole heap of Book-bashing!

    My siblings and I are now all in our 30’s and 40’s, and he STILL abuses us, our mother, and even our kids emotionally, psychologically and me physically whenever I visit my mother – it starts off with something silly, like switching off the tv while we’re watching it, and escalates until my mother gets wound up which makes her ill, and I end up losing my temper and raising my voice, which is his trigger! He beats me about the head in front of my grown-up children, who step in to help and get hit too. He’s a bastard and I hate him with a vengeance. I just wish he’d drop dead so that we can live. I have clenched teeth while I’m even typing this! I HATE HIM.

  34. I definitely understand this secret. My father was extremely physically and mentally abusive to my mother and I when I was growing up. She finally had the financial stability to leave him when I was 17 years old. I’m almost 24 now, and even with six years of absence, it never seems to get any easier. It sickens and pains me that a man could go through life without his wife or his kids and be completely OK with that. He’s not a man, but a coward. A spineless, pathetic excuse for a human. He deserves nothing and I have vowed to not see him again until he is six feet under. Thanks for nothing, “Dad”!

  35. i walk out of my parents house on new years eve. i couldn’t take it anymore. they told me to never come back. i miss them even though i chose this 🙁

  36. My parents divorced when I was almost 2. I haven’t seen my father since. Had his email once, emailed him a hate letter, but I dont hate him, not even a little bit. Him leaving ruined me emotionally and I don’t think I even know what happy is.

  37. Understandable Most girls do want daddy’s approval no matter what. I applaud your valiant effort but i have to tell you its not worth the pain the want him to love you.

  38. Your secret is parallel to mine. I thought I hated my dad for many things he did to me. I thought I wished him dead. Until one day, when we were driving down a steep mountain on icy roads and we all had to get out so he could manuver the car out of the ditch which was inches from the cliff. The car rear end began to sink over the edge and I screamed and began sobbing for my father’s life! I realized that I loved him and that shocked me. Though he ruined me and other family members were kinder to me, it’s him that I love the most. Go figure… what a mystery!

  39. I wonder with all these comments about lost relationships…how many of these relationships were lost due to “negative hearsay” without substantial proof of fact. Relationships being damaged on hearsay is the “alienation part”.

  40. What is amusing is watching all the mama drama on “Real housewives of…” and trying to understand why dads bail out sometimes … its all female mama drama and especially if the mama drama drags children into the scenario … dad had had enough …

  41. Lots of relationship damage here…just thinking of the sanity and emotional instability of the person who lost the loved one relationship …WHAT PART DID YOU PLAY for your loss …?

  42. To the females that HATE their DADS, we fathers SEE NO boys or MEN saying that AT ALL, so to ALL THE POISONED FEMALE MINDS – just don’t get married your life is already screwed over because of yourself and by a mother who wants SELF-PITY.

  43. I wonder how many daughters will pass the “i hate my dad” sob story to their respective children…a significant factor that any young woman or daughter is “DOOMED” for marriage in the first place since she harbors ill feelings and passes ill feelings and alienation from generation to generations of children. When such daughter realizes her dad really loved her thats when its TOO late.

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