48 thoughts on “I’m scared of the fact that after my father sexually abused me….”

  1. This reminds me of a postsecret posted a year or two ago, she was a rape victim, and could only get off to rape scenarios.

  2. u fantasize about gross old man because that how u see yur(can’t blame u thats what he is)dad.The mind has away to use fanstacy to buffer a person from the trauma experienced and every day situations an contacts in life even though it a little twisted.For the record I feel sorry this ever happened to u, the violation of trust as well as the act. it this your first sexual situation it doesn’t count u didn’t consent so the is a crime on so many levels. if u read this i hope u don’t let this diminsh your self worth an the worth males out there stay an continue grow into the beautiful person i think u r.

  3. I really never thought it was possible that someone else felt the same.
    But It happens to me too.
    And I feel too much guilt.
    I might eventually decide to go to therapy.

  4. This is actually very common for abuse survivors; as a way of protecting itself against trauma, the mind eroticizes negative events sometimes. It happens with rape, it happens when another partner cheats, it happens especially with traumatic events from childhood. It sucks, but it’s not uncommon.

  5. I was sexually abused by two uncles (brothers) and when I hit sexual maturity I always fantasized about old men and sometimes still do. I’ve learnt to embrace it and it happens less and less now. You have to move on and not let it affect you. One day you will notice you havent fantasized about old men for a long time but even if you do don’t look at it too negitively.

  6. I have the same experience and I have been in therapy for 10 yrs and have never had the guts to tell because i was just disgusting and abnormal… Thank you for helping me realize im not alone

  7. Wow me too, I can’t believe it. I was never abused sexually but I was physically by my father. I’m 22, it’s really about time I moved out:(

  8. wow! i can’t believe I’m not the only one! well, I was coerced into sex with my brother for years and now incest gets me off. it just feels better to know I’m not alone…

  9. My grandfather was my first sexual experience at age 6 (he never had actual intercourse with me). It continued until I was 14. I now tend to only date older men. My current boyfriend is 27 yrs older than I am and 2 yrs older than my father.
    I used to fantasize about what my grandfather did to me all the time. It used to be the only way I could masturbate. Now that I am truly in love with my current boyfriend I rarely think about my grandfather in that capacity.
    Very weird and a lot of times I question everything but for now I am enjoying my life and am enjoying not being obsessed with what my grandfather did to me.
    I am a better person now.

  10. I never would of thought there was someone else dealing with this, I thought I was so sick and twisted. Now I know I’m not, it’s just a part of what happens. THANKYOU

  11. Dylan, if you cannot handle the topic, maybe you need to walk away. this is a real problem and I’m sure it happens to a lot of ppl who have been abused. it’s called stolkhom syndrom.

  12. That’s how I feel too. I was molested by my mother’s boyfriend when I was little and now I think about bondage or rape situations and it gets me off. :/ I can’t believe I’m not alone.

  13. Actually, the conversion of a negative exeperience or trauma, such as sexual abuse, into a positive stimuli, such as a sexual fantasy, is a defense mechanism from Freud’s psychoanalytic theory called Reaction Formation.

    STOCKHOLM* SYDROME* is actually a coping mechanism generally used in a kidnapping or hostage situation, where the victim will begin to feel positively toward their captor(s). It is generally based on the mistaken belief that a lack of abuse in a hostage situation translates into the act itself being acceptable.

    None of the situations described in the postcard or the comments following display Stockholm Syndrome in any context.

  14. I was abused as a 5 year child by my baby sitter and her boyfriend (both aged 29 ). They used to choke me while they did it and I was horrified to realise later how much I enjoyed and in fact wanted to be semi strangled during sexual experiences. Sometimes expressing this desire in relationships led to a complete break-down of the relationship leading to more shame and guilt.

    The only way out was to stop asking in others to participate in my fantasy. I also deliberately stopped myself from fantasising this way and I stopped all private erotic play with my own scarves and ropes etc. Finally I was able to step away from this dangerous fetish. I developed a healthy anger at having it imposed upon me and I feel so much better and free.

    The problem is with victims of sexual abuse is you are to ashamed to admit you actually liked some of it and that some of it felt great (because you are too innocent to comprehend how bad it is)…in fact if you even try to explain it people react with horror or disgust (and you don’t need that !!!!! ).It becomes even more confusing if you liked the abusers and trusted them and they were nice to you. You just have to try and change if you want to or accept that you have been changed by experiences that were not your fault and live with them……I think both choices are reasonable options .

    Guilt and shame is sometimes the most painful part of the abuse….long after the experience it lingers on scarring you and robbing you of joy.

    I too was glad to see that others understand………….

  15. It is so inspiring to see the support and in turn, a form of healing, that come with the sharing of our inner most secrets…

  16. My ex wife also had your circumstance. She as a consequence battled many demons along the way but thanks to God and a strong constitution, she has seemingly weathered the storm and is still a beautiful woman today.

    The idea of letting go I think is more to the core. Embracing would insinuate that she actively approaches old men to satisfy her desires. What is truly needed is more akin for forgiveness; forgiveness of self and oddly the perpetrator.

    Not for his sake, but for your own. Because every time you feel bad when you consider your own pathological behavior, whoever preyed on you once, virtually preys on you again.

  17. Casidhhe,

    You posses astounding wisdom. It is wonderful to see that quality, these days so rare.


    “How do you intend to weave your own unique patch of existence into the vast tapestry of the universe?” -Anonymous

  18. not helpful, dylan. the majority of comments above should make you realise that this is a common and maybe cathartic thing for survivors of abuse. However uncomfortable you may find it to read, don’t pass judgement.

  19. I was sexually abused my my great grandfather… I know exactly how you feel.. And it grosses me out. I hate that those thoughts go through my mind and am embarrassed because I didn’t think it was normal. Reading your post and other comments made me realize that although everyone is different, a lot of us face the same dilemmas on a daily basis.. THANK YOU for sharing!!

  20. we naturally fixate on our firsts… first kiss, first loves… and in this case, first sexual experience.
    you don’t have to be abused to enjoy auto-erotic asphyxiation (choking in sex), but if that’s in your earliest memories then you might be drawn back to that when you first explore your sexuality. older men/women, or younger… you choose. preference comes from experience, not genetics or psychobabble. you feel pleasure and are drawn to want that provides that pleasure… if you’ve experienced soemthign in the past then your mind wants to build off those memories to find pleasure.
    i love psychology but i like keeping it simple.
    you’ve have experiences with older men in the past so your mind goes to that familiar experience when you’re horny. the connection to the abuse is ignore b/c this is just your body using what it has. given more experiences your body will slowly stop orientating on those first experiences…
    you’ll have the memories but pressing on they will be less likely to pop up without you willing it.
    trust me… surround yourself with love and you’ll find yourself happier.
    here’s the ideal, you won’t find it but if you can find someone who is close… they’re a keeper

    4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

    I now truly understand that I was never alone even when I felt like I was. After I was sexually molested by my father (I was 16 — I was also sexually molested by my uncle when I was 5) I would feel like maybe I liked it, enjoyed it, asked for it, wanted more. None of that was true, it was just my way of trying to explain why he did what he did. () Turns out I wasn’t the only one who was abused by my father. My sister, and a younger cousin was as well. My sister didn’t want to tell anyone so I didn’t, I held it in. When I found out he did the same thing to one of my younger cousins I couldn’t keep it secret anymore. I don’t know where he is, I don’t think he was arrested, but I do know that everyone in my family knows “who” he is.

  22. I was never actually physically abused by my father, but he watched me multiple times when i was naked and he thought i didnt notice. I never told him that i actually know, but i hate him so much. I wish i had realized what was going on sooner.

    I think that this is why I started liking men who are way older. I am not ashamed of this though, because… its just what i like.

  23. So been there. My mom knew what my uncle was but she really thought it was about her but she always told me to tell if some tried anything. Anyone. So when he tried I told and got in trouble by my aunt for lying. But mom was there in hours to take me home. I asked her how she could send me knowing what a man he was. She said she never thought he would hurt anyone. Just her. I also find myself attracted to older men. Weird huh!!!

  24. Reading this secret, and comments has made me think more into my situation. A few years ago I was told some things from my older sister that made me believe that I may have been sexually abused by my father when I was little. About some pictures he had of my half sister, and how she (my older sister) knew way too much about sex so young, my father was also very over protective of my older sister, almost like he was jelous of her boyfriends. She told me that because I was alone with him for all those years theres no way to know for sure. My parents were divorced and I lived with him. I remember him bathing me till I was 8 years old.. But I don’t remember anything sexual. Although Some strange things about my child hood such as knowing everything about sex at age 5, touching myself in sexual ways..and touching other little girls at age 6. I’m so ashamed and I knew it was wrong because I told them I was rubbing their tummy.. But I was still only 6..how could I, and why would I do such things?! Especially at such a young age…I was still a baby. I knew too much. Now today at 21 years old..I fantasize about older men, rape, incest, and even sex with dogs.. I feel so sick, so wrong. I’m weird and so ashamed of what turns me on. But I dont know why I am this way!! I know there is the possibility of being abused when i was younger by my father or even someone else. But wouldnt I remember? Anything?? Today I hate having my breastand nipples touched especially while being licked. TMI sorry..but this uncomfortable feeling of sickness in my stomach when my boyfriend (or any other man from my past)does this to me makes me wonder why I feel that way every time. I cant stand not knowing, but I dont know how to find the facts. Reading this makes me think that he did..but so much of me doesnt think its possible because I dont remember!! I dont know what to think.. and it scares me. I still live with with my father today. Does anyone have any advice, opinions? Answers at all..I need help and cant afford a professional.. Please.

    My heart goes out to all you men and woman who were ever abused in any way by any person. I love you all, and wish you the best life possible. YOU ARE NOT ALONE..always remember that. No matter what happens in your lifetime..just remember you only get one chance here..Good and bad happen. But live your life to the fullest never give up!! Always be strong because you are here for you. Have fun, and enjoy what has been given us.

    -Needs Answers

  25. To I Don’t Know # ,

    I just want to appluad you for being so courageous and open about your pain and issues.

    To me that makes you beautiful and special. I would encourage you to find someone professionally you can talk to about uncovering the truth in your past.

    However, you strike me as a bright, honest, and sensitive woman. Feel good about that.

    I always felt so sick and disgusted with myself. it would make me shake and cry and i would try to figure out what was wrong with me… I wasn’t actually raped but when I was seven some older boys did some stuff to me, I don’t think that they even realized what they were doing? mabey? hopefully?
    I ran away and told my sister right away, she beat the living daylights out of them…i love my sister 🙂
    anyways, I never knew what was wrong with me thank you all for showing me im not alone

  27. Many of you feel alone but you are not alone ! So many of us share the same experiences.

    On reading all the posts it seems that many people feel that their shame,or guilt,or secrets,or pain ,or disgust is the biggest part of who they are…it isn’t…it just feels that way. Think of how a tiny candle can keep the night at bay…no matter how consuming the darkness is that tiny light can hold it back !

    Now think of all the beautiful and good and nice things YOU are…no matter how small you think these are ,all the bright and beautiful things about you are so much bigger than all those things you feel bad about…*YOU* are beautiful ! What was done to you was not !…

    In a much earlier post I said “You just have to try and change if you want to or accept that you have been changed by experiences that were not your fault and live with them……I think both choices are reasonable options .”

    Many of you seem afraid that if you are in an intimate relationship these dark feelings will rise up and influence your desire…maybe they will but many people who have NOT been abused have similar fantasies…if someone rejects you try to let them go because they were not right for you…you must learn to accept yourself for who you are(and the person who loves you must do the same)…

    We all have our wounds,our bruises and our battle scars but they are just part of who we are…we are all so much more !

    I wish I could hold you all…I wish I could heal you but healing comes from within !…Shortly after I decided to hold up my head and be proud of surviving I found somebody who found the beautiful things about me all the more bright because of the dark things that had happened…

    Never forget *YOU* are beautiful no matter what your secret is

  28. This pathos is not unique to women who were sexually abused or molested as children.

    Women who were raped deal with this many times, which compounds their already formidable guilt; creating a self perpetuating destructive cycle of guilt, obliterated self esteem, and subsequent personality disorders.

    Boys who are sexually assaulted also perpetuate this at times. Many argue that this is why in an overwhelmingly large amount of cases that when traced back, sexual abuse or molestation is found in the history of gay men.

    Here is the caveat, even in men who are not gay, at times the behavior can be relived pathologically although an attraction to men doesn’t exist. Like women who feel turned on by inappropriately older men but aren’t truly attracted to them, the same is true of men who may seek out the behaviors of homosexuality, but have no interest in gay men themselves per se.

  29. To:I don’t know, I have the exact same thing as yourself, I have all these weird thoughts and sometimes I entertain them and make them fantasies, and I hate them so much, I feel like maybe something happened to me but I can not remember most of my Child hood which scares me even more. But I feel like I should remember something as horrific as that. I would like to discuss it all like you did but I’m not brave enough to put it into words even If this is anonymous.

  30. I know exactly how you feel. My sister molested me when I was in first grade and now I fantasize about incest=(

  31. To Me Neither:

    I want you to know that if you ever want or need someone to talk to, you can come to me. I still haven’t figured much out about my child hood. But I would love to talk to someone with the same problem. Maybe we can vent to eachother and try and help eachother get through this. I would love to become your friend.

    Jerry Atrixx:
    Thank you so much for your kind words. I truely appreciate that someone feels that way for me. It was very hard for mo to admit those things, and I was scared of what people would think of me. But your words made me realize that there are kind people out there that won’t judge me for things that aren’t my fault. Thank you again

    To everyone else!: If any of you want to talk to me, ask questions, or just vent. I am here for you. I don’t want anyone to feel alone and scared. It doesn’t matter if your going through the exact same thing something similure, or something that just happened to you. You can come to me. I would love nothing more but to help the people in need. I have been there, and know how it feels to feel helpless and not have any answers. So please write to me.

    I love you all. You are such brave people for approaching these issues in your life.

    [email protected]

    [email protected]

    Contact me at one of those, I promise to get back to you as soon as I can.

  32. i have been the same way my whole life.. i am the most normal i have ever been right now and i think it is because of my daughter.. i have NEVER had an strange thaughts about her and would kill someone if they do to her what was done to me when i was little… my sister mildly moleted me.. it made me curious so me friends.. ata very young age would exspeiriment..and then i gt to the point i always wanted to be touched or licked.. even by our family dogs.. its sick i know.. it makes me sick to every day.. but up untill i was like 15 ( now 22) i did things with my younger brother..i cant ever say them.. nothing too terrible bad but inapropriate… i feel terrible and discusted with myself.. i have alot of issues with boyfriends i have had at times.. i also hate having my nipples touched or licked.. and i know this is grafic but sometimes i cant even stand when someone goes down on me.. i think about my brother aand how gross i feel.. i am a good person.. and i try to block this out of my head everyday because i feel like i am ” normal” now.. nothing like that interest me .. putting it all down i feel discusting.. but these are my dark secrets i struggle with.. i have grown so much and realized how wrong it all is and was and am sad that i was exposed to such things that lead to my actions.. i take responsibility .. but i will forever be disgusted… i have healed alot .. and am amkiing sure things dont happen like this to my chilldren .. i would never want them to go thru the mental torture.. im am so glad i am not alone

  33. To: I don’t know, it is possible that something happened to you and you can’t remember. I was sexually abused multiple times, by multiple people as a child but after the events my memories of the situation completely disappeared until just a few years ago. When I started to become sexually active and really started to feel close to other people my memories surfaced, along with the pain and guilt and disgust. I’m honestly amazed and feel a lot of relief at reading these comments because even through years of therapy I never realized that other people felt and went through the same thing as me. Thank you everyone for being so open and sensitive about this matter which appears to affect so many of us.

  34. Regarding “idk” at number 39…I really believe *YOU* can let ago of your past…by that I really mean you should allow yourself to let go..*HUG*.

    You were not “sick”. You were merely young without guidance or help.Things happened and you wish they had not BUT you would be surprised to find how normal this makes you. You are not alone.

    As for “Just another person”…I don’t know if you could ever totally forget.The memories can fade,they can be blocked, they can be pushed so far to the back of your mind that you almost forget until something reminds you again..but the memories were always there and especially at the time it was happening.It wasn’t a memory then.It was part of your life.There is no time to forget because It is happening to you.

    BUT particularly in your early years the memory is so raw,so rough and weeping that it feels almost visible to others like some sort of scar…it is only as time passes the memory of the events fade BUT what I can’t forget is how the memories scarred and influenced my childhood and my teenage years.

    I get scared for people because “false memory syndrome is VERY real” and I’ve seen therapists exploit that. My best friend was totally happy until she saw a counsellor about a totally different issue . She left her first session wondering if she had been abused .3 more sessions did the trick.Every week the counsellor helped her remember a NEW family member abusing her to the fine tune of $280 a session.My friend lost her happy life ,her marriage and her family… and even me but 5 years later she is seeing her counsellor . None of it was true.We grew up together.I’d know.Children who are being abused pick up that raw hurt in others.

    I’m not saying it didn’t happen to you.I’m just saying be very very careful…

  35. I was abused as a little girl. I did everything I could to block it out. I have never been attracted to anyone my age. My bf is 29 years older than me. While he would never hurt me we both know it’s not normal. He has done a lot to help me and encourages me to go to therapy.

  36. I feel the same way, I wasn’t molested by my father, but by 2 cousins., but there has never been a steady strong man in my life…….I guess it’s daddy/ grandfather issues

  37. Im so glad I found this website. I was sexually abused by my uncle for most of my childhood. I have the most sordid fantasies about older men and even talk to them online sometimes. I have an amazing bf who knows nothing about this. It makes me feel terrible but the only way i can be aroused is by thinking about them .. help

  38. To i dont know
    I have the same fantasies as u, rape, incest, dogs, anything taboo. Tho i cant watch violent things vithout wanting to be sick. And im vry weird about havi g my nipples touched by anyone but me. I also have a thing for sleep molestation. I feel so gross sometimes. My uncle used to touch
    E from 12 to 16 in my sleep. After awhile id start to wake up but still pretend to sleep. I think part of me started to enjoy it. I feel wrong for it, my family would say i wAs a temptress and imade it so he would go to
    hell. For a long time i believed that it was my fault. Im 20 now and im coming to terms with my sexual desires. I even summed up the courage to tell my partners. Most have actually been very understanding. When i masterbate i sometimes tgink about my uncle. He was 62 years old almost 70 by the end of it. I feel gross for thinking about it afterward and also that i got off because of it. I wish i could understand this better

  39. I went to a phsycologist for a while it really helped. He has commented a lot on how he thinks i was sexually abused as a child. My dad would hurt me a lot when my mom went out. She never beleived me. ive always been scared to say anything. Rape is a horrible thing but its a turn on to me. I feel so weird. I too am relieved…. im not alone.

  40. dylan is a troll who was just hoping to find some wank reading. the rest of you might try looking up the faithfallen sites or maybe some of the research that has been done by Kali munroe. you’ll all find out that you are just normal human beings. peace

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