90 thoughts on “I wonder if they know how often I think about killing myself”

  1. I feel so incredibly stupid
    I have the most amazing parents and life in the world
    but i cant handle the stress
    I feel like I have to work my ass off every day to deserve my wonderful life
    but i’m just never good enough
    I cut myself for the first time today
    because i overslept and missed a lacrosse scrimmage
    it seems so stupid
    but lacrosse was always the thing I could rely on
    and now I blew that too.

  2. @lucky: you didn’t blow it, ok? you sound like a nice person, so don’t think you’re not good enough. and if you still feel that way, consider telling someone. i don’t really talk to my parents about my problems, but i do occasionally vent to a close friend, and it really helps.

  3. @ kari: thanks so much for answering, it made me feel a lot better.
    I really don’t know what to do about telling people tho, because everybody thinks I am kind of the golden girl with a great life and a totally steady head on my shoulders, and it would totally freak them out to find out different… i feel bad about shoving my problems off on them, especially since I am so much luckier than most of my friends.

  4. @lucky: Don’t worry so much about what other people think, what they think about you isn’t that important anyway, it changes nothing either way.

    The people who truly love you will do so no matter what.

    So what if your not perfect? Your not supposed to be. Nobody is. We all run around thinking we are alone, when we are not.

  5. I had someone very important to me take his own life almost six months ago.Thinking about the pain he must have gone through almost kills me. I think about him all the time. Please…I know none of you all but I am begging you…there is so much more to life..don’t do anything rash..there are people who love you dearly.

  6. everyday i think of how much better it all would be if i were dead … i know sum lost freinds and fam to suicide .. but thats when i get the asshole voice in my head that says ” lucky them” .. which is awfull .. how could i be that mean to sum1 who was suffering? .. well its becuase i still suffer yesterday today last week last year … and i have no escape .. now i found this site and im learning that im not alone with my fealings and that there are alot of ppl who share my experiences … i take care of my father he is my world andi cant see myself commting suicide and leaving him alone to fend for his self… so i cut .. i cut to relieve stress .. to feal alove .. i want to die but cutting is all i get … like wanting to drive but all i got is shoes … not the same … i cant remember most of my childhood and sum of u will know y … and everyday i feal as tho i failed .. i failed everything i have ever crossed … i love that i can come here and vent tho it doesnt make it go away but it short circuits my suicide network to vent and read what u all have been thru… i love u guys and i hope everyone can pursue a happyness that life is “suppose” to be … and i do know that if god takes my father b4 i am strong enouph to take the news that i will kill myself .. no jokin no waitin around .. the second i hear that news i will try my hardest to no longer breathe … if i ever do kill myself that is the sole reason …my friends are scarse in numbers and even more scarse in being a real friend .. sumtimes i wish sum1 would tell me they dont believe me when i lie to them telling them i been great … and i wish they would catch me in this downward fall i been in since i was 5

  7. @snowboard_freak_05
    I know how u feel. lately ive been thinking about ending everything. I dont really have friends who I can actually call my friends. I take pills to sleep without them I cant sleep n my brain doesnt shup up n I am constanly thinking how I mess things up in life with some decisions Ive made along the way. My family thinls im this happy girl who will make in life n succed but that is just far from the truth I just want to die n be in an endless sleep that will end the missery I feel.

  8. @snowboard_freak_05
    I acknowledge that I am a super lucky rich white suburban kid
    but through a mutual friend, I got to be really good friends with a guy with a crazy past.
    he got addicted to heroin, was homeless and almost succeeded in committing suicide.
    Now, he is a successful triathlete and is marrying a beautiful, awesome woman. Life sucks right now for u, but please don’t give up!

  9. Shit
    it happened again
    I did it again
    I thought I was better
    I thought I was rational
    but I got upset and I cut myself again
    I am so dumb
    I dont know what to do

  10. lucky, u are lucky. remember that you are on this earth for a reason and that the world would never be the same without u in it. please stop hurting yourself… it is not worth it. i know it soundss cliche and trite, but please find your passion. find that one thing, or many things, that make you want to live! you still have a lot to learn on this earth and a lot of beautiful thingz to discover, and ur lessons aren’t done being taught yet. keep pushing. “i think i can, i think i can…” you can.

    ps- please find help… you can do this. have faith. trust yourself. keep fighting.

  11. I’ve cut myself a couple of times before, but then i stopped when the people who loved me truly succeded in making me feel that there is more to the world than what i was going through. That all you need is to find that one reason that will pick you up and will make you push forward. You don’t have to look too hard, sometimes its just right under our noses, we just don’t realize its there until time will make you realize. Cutting made me feel better then, but i also thought if i ended my life i wouldn’t feel the “relief” i’m looking for since i’m already dead. Wouldn’t it be better if you felt that relief from the issues you’re going through now. I’m not saying its easy, its a struggle, its a challenge but its all going to be worth it in the end. I just hope that you cut your self to feel pain and be soothed by it and not to the point that you want to end your life. Take it easy. There’s always someone that loves you.

  12. I am so glad to know that other people feel the same way that I am (I mean, I wish they thought differently, but you know what I mean). I have cut for 8 years and I just feel like I am not good enough ever. I cry all of the time and when I think about driving into a telephone pole or hang myself or something I think about my friends and then I’m unsure. I know they deserve someone better than me, I wish I could tell them how I feel… It’s such a conflict in my head. But it sounds like all of you are such wonderful and caring people, I wish I could give you all hugs, but I guess thoughts and prayers will work too.

  13. You are all amazing , and you should know that some one out there believes in you and for sure, I will always believe in you.

  14. @lucky, I’m a middle class white girl from the suburbs (raised in a very affluent community) and I used to cut myself too. Until one day I cut too deep and almost hit a vein. That day literally changed my life forever. That was the first(and only) day I saw my father cry, when he thought I had tried to take my own life. I can say that I was ashamed but I dont regret what happened because it opened my eyes and got me the help that I needed. I just hope you dont let it get that far. Sometimes you dont realize how much your actions affect someone else’s life until its too late. I’m so glad I wasnt alone that morning because I may never have gotten to experience all of the things I have over the past 15 years since it happened. I still have the scar and when anyone asks about it I tell them the truth because I have nothing to be ashamed of, I had an illness and I beat it. One last thing, I usually dont respond to these posts but your last one caught my eye because of the date. That was the day I gave birth to my first child. I just want everyone to know that no matter how bad things get that they will eventually work out. I never thought I would be where I am today and Now (15 years later)I am happily married with a beautiful daughter. I dont even want to think about how life would of been for everyone else if I had accidentally cut my vein. I hope you are able to open up to someone before it is too late and you accidentally cut too deep.

  15. I don’t think there’s been a single day that has gone by that I haven’t thought about killing myself since I was 12 years old. I;m now 20 and still struggle with depression, suicide, self mutilation and interpersonal problems. I tried the shrink and the pills but nothing has ever worked. My parents think I am a basket case and I’ve become the outcast in my family because of it.

  16. i have daydreamed and fantasized about killing myself ever since i can remember. no matter how happy i am, and how well things go, i cant ever get the thought out of my head. I hate living, i hate dealing with terrible, selfish people, I hate being shit on at work, i hate worrying about a future that I dont even want to have..

  17. This secret sums up everything about me pretty much. My family is my life i dont know what i would do with out them but sometimes the stress of college and life overwhelm me… the only thing that keeps me from ending it all together is them. I could never hurt them so much. My bestfriends little brother died of cancer unexpectedly 2 years ago his mother still isnt okay i could never have that happen to my parents knowing it was a natural cause like his death but because i wasnt happy enough… I just need to find someone who can help me and not be overly concerned like my family would be.

  18. i was diagnosed with borderline and bipolar disorder at 12. my first suicide attempt was when i was 9. sometimes the pain just gets so bad i can’t take it. the emotional turmoil i feel. i started cutting myself at age 13 finding that it relieved all the stress i felt. temporarily. some days i feel amazing, like the world is my stage. some days i feel like scum on the bathroom floor. i overdosed on valium for my 18th birthday because aging just freaks me out and although i am scared of dying, i’d rather have control of how it happens rather than leave it to fate.i was hospitalized last year after i had a mental breakdown from my depression. i drank my zoloft then broke the glass i drank water from. i sliced my wrist and my parents took me to rehab. a year later i now have a beautiful baby girl and she is the only thing that makes me want to get better. she makes me NEED to be okay. i understand how it feels to want to just pull the plug on your life. but there are people who love you and would suffer if you left. another post secret said “the only reason i don’t kill myself is because after i do it people will eventually move on and the glory i wanted will be for nothing”

  19. PLEASE DON’T DO IT! One of my best friends took his own life on Saturday and his pain might be gone, but we’re going to have to live with it forever. I just want to help him. To smra#, he was in your position, just 20 years old, and I know it hurts, I know it feels like it will last forever; but please, I am begging of you, from your family, BE STRONG and find another outlet, just stay with them so they won’t have to go through what we’re going through.

  20. I feel the same way but now my father left I can’t take that option anymore. My mom thinks I cry for him but I really cry because I no longer can kill myself because my mom can’t work and watch my sister

  21. I’m sitting here reading all these posts and crying to myself. I hope you all figure out your purpose in life and feel okay again.
    I haven’t cut in a long time but I feel the urge to today. I start my new job tomorrow so I was thinking of cutting my legs so no one will see. I can’t stop crying. My head hurts. I’ve been doing too many drugs lately and my serotonin levels are messed up. I have a boyfriend who I just wish was here holding me, but I don’t think he cares about me very much. And I can’t leave him because I just need to feel the need to be wanted. And sometimes I do feel that way but it’s only 10 percent of the time. My dad won’t answer my calls and my mom is drinking again, and I feel like I have no one. I live by myself with my betta fish and if he dies I don’t know what I’m going to do. Sounds stupid, but I feel that I’m not alone because of him. Oddly enough, I named him after a boy I have been talking to for 3 years over the internet and he just recently moved here. I’m so sad and I just need a hug.

  22. @Rosin

    I don’t know if you’ll see this, and I’ve never used tumblr or I’d just send you a message with that. I want to you to know, I read your post here and looked over your tumblr page, and I want you to know that just from that small glimpse I got of your life, I think that you are extremely beautiful, unusually intelligent, and honestly unique. Please remember that.

  23. @Rosin

    I don’t know if you’ll see this, and I’ve never used tumblr or I’d just send you a message with that. I want to you to know, I read your post here and looked over your tumblr page, and I want you to know that just from that small glimpse I got of your life, I think that you are extremely beautiful, unusually intelligent, and honestly unique. Please remember that

  24. Your not alone, I feel the same, I want to end it, but I can’t bring myself to do it yet cause I know it would fuck my mom up. She’s so lonely, but because her husband is thousands of miles away. He’ll be back, mabye I can do it then. I don’t know, I’m so lonely and, I’ve been saying I want to for over 10 years, and I’m sure everyone will get over it.
    I hate so many parts of what my life has become. This sucks.
    Sorry,I didn’t mean to go onto my shit.

    Word vomit.

  25. stay strong – realize that it shouldn’t just be for these people in your life (your friends, family ,etc.) but because YOU are worth it.

  26. Don’t cut yourself you smart and wonderful and bad times leave almost as soon as they come. God loves you very much you have a purpose to change the world for the better don’t leave and think of your family sweetheart the would have their hearts broken all over a dumb choice

  27. Joshua 1:9 “Have I not commanded thee? Be strong and good of courage: for the Lord thy GOD is with thee whithersoever thou goest. ”
    Honey I have made bIgger mistakes than that .My life is pretty stressful too there are a lot of days where I am working till bedtime and I am only a 10 th grader so lovely girl. When you want to make another. Suicide attempt think of your family who would miss you for the rest of their lives and God has such a wonderfull plan for life and your not alone no matter what. There is a girl or was named Anaise Valdez she went to my school she recently committed suicide and her friends her school her family are forever changed.So God knows you and loves you and others do too.

  28. I could have a perfect life. I am smart, and could get good grades, I have a loving family, and great friends. However I feel so worthless all the time, the anxiety makes it so I cant do anything. My grades are slipping and I most likely wont get into any of the colleges my parents think I should apply too. I have not told any one how I feel. My parents right now want me to go down stairs and talk to them about why my grades are slipping and I am skipping class. Im skipping class because I cannot deal with the pressure of seeing people and being in school I have been coming home to sit by my self and hide from the world and all the stress. I dont want to tell my parents that I am depressed because they are going to blame them selves. They can’t help me everything I have done I have brought on myself. I cant live like this or maybe at all anymore.

  29. Suicide is the copout cure to low self esteem and gutless wonders. Sure kill yourself, it might be the bravest thing YOU ever do, but its by far not the most courageous solution this world has to offer.

  30. I come back to this thread sometimes because of the simple random act of kindness. the truth is I cut myself last night and I couldn’t be more compelled to do it again. my life is falling apart. my relationship is taking a toll on my health and I drink to solve my problems. my anxiety has gotten so bad to a point where I can’t even hold a job. I’m trying to be positive but it’s the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do.

  31. I just want it to end my daughter is the reason and the only reason I wake up in the morning tho I feel like a really bad parent I just can’t stop thinking about putting a bullet in my head I hate the guy that im with but scared to leave my family chased away the only guy I ever had feeling for i was abused as a child im worried that im going to be abusive to please make it all go away im tired of being broke I want a happy life for my kid I have life insurance but it doesn’t cover suicide

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