Post Secret Archive

I’m so sorry. I don’t know when my depression started, but ever since it did, I feel like poop all the time and my mom doesn’t really understand why or what I’m feeling. It gets difficult, but you can do it. I’m trying too.

I had to save your image because it fit me so perfectly. For years I thought about what would happen if I just let my car drive off the side or had someone hit me. Depression is the worst. I wish things would just get easier.

When I told my mom, I said it had been for a year. She cried. It’s 5 years now. I went to a psycologist, and she told me that I should go to the psychiatrist. I told her “see you next week” and never went back.

i pray that i die in my sleep every night. when i wake up, i wish i never did. since i was 12. i’m only 15.

i can’t imagine going much longer like this.

i’m not going to say i know how you feel. i’m just really sorry anyone has to go through anything remotely close to what i’m going through.

i’m so sorry for that.

and i wish you luck. you’re not alone! you can do it.

You’re definitely not alone. And to the sadandanonymous – for the longest time the only time I was happy was when I was dreaming and every dream was a slow build up and fall from a bridge to my death. I would wake up nearly in tears simply because it was not real and that I was still alive. All I can say is to try and take care of yourself… it’s not easy, but it’s something you have to slowly work at. Find someone to confide in. Someone you trust or even a stranger on a crisis hotline because if you keep it in it will only lead to a rock bottom you never knew existed. It’s a rough road but you get to choose the path.

There is so much more help out there if you choose to seek it. I just wish I started it 12 years ago (currently 21 as well).

When I was ten I picked my lucky number. I picked four because it was the last time I could remember being happy. By 16 I could no longer remember being four – or happy. I’m turning 25 in two months. To say I’ve never been happier wouldn’t really be saying much. So instead let me say that I don’t think most of the people I know have ever been happier, either. Life is … beautiful.

I’m sixteen, and when I turned twelve I suddenly couldn’t feel anything. The closest to an emotion that I felt was anger, anger at people for not realizing that I was so down, and anger at my parents for not believing me. I felt like a robot, and the one friend that I told this to said that I acted like one too. I tried talking to my family about it and they just said “it’ll blow over.” It didn’t. I dealt with it by just acting crazy, so that people would stop bothering me about why I was so out of it. Eventually at a friend’s house, four of my best friends and I had a long discussion and we all opened up about everything that has ever gone through our minds. Sometimes, talking to someone really is what you need, and you realize that you’re not alone. I began to feel again, and I thank them for bringing me back for my darkest times. It’s been almost two years and I could never be happier.

You know..I never realized I had depression until my senior year of high school when my teacher pulled me aside and asked me what was wrong. Naturally, you want to deny anything is wrong because its so embarrassing and I felt ashamed to feel that way. I have had depression since I was probably in 9th grade and I am now 22 years old. I have learned to cope with it much better but having depression means having to slow your life down and not take too much on. I used to wonder what it would be like to throw myself over a balcony, believed that noone would miss me, and that i would be miserable forever. Then I found friends that had depression and anxiety too..we have always tried to vent to each help each other through it. Another thing that helps are forums for people with depression and trying to look deep within yourself and discover what makes you wonderful. Its a long and difficult process and its something that is a continuous journey but I hope that you find your way to make it through. Good Luck!!

My parents found out about my depression in 8th grade, I’ve been fantasizing about dieing sinse kindergarden, and I’ve felt like a weights been killing me for years and years. I’m 15 now, and in 9th grade. My first vision of dieing or finishing myself off came when I was 5 or 6. I understood death far to well at that age.

good luck.

I’ve had depression for as long as I can remember. I was diagnosed officially in my teens. It’s a mess trying all different medications and treatments to find the right one. As someone who is “Recovering” (I don’t believe in Recovery since you can always get worse again but you learn to deal with it better) I can tell you that when you find this treatment plan it makes a world of difference. Don’t give up you can do it! There is a treatment for you! When you find it believe me it will be like night and day and you’ll never go back to being suicidal again. Very sad maybe as we all have bad times but not suicidal.

Depression Sucks. But I found a really cool way of dealing with it…Writing. I write in my diary almost everyday. There used to be some days or even weeks and months that I would foregt, and it realy used to frustrate me, but I always wrote when I remembered. Now it is just habit. Writing and reading back over my writings has helped me so much and I feel so much better these days. Writing is not for everyone, but I think it just helped to have a place where I could always vent my unhappiness and frustration.

Also, I am a Christian, and I am not going to preach to anyone, but I found myself get happier as I got closer to God.

I’m in the same situation, and it breaks my heart to know that so many people suffer the way I feel I do. I’m currently 21, and I’ve been in and out of lengthy depressive episodes since i was around 12 as well. It took me up until a few months ago to finally ask for help. I’m currently in therapy and taking medication. Like someone else here said, it’s the desire to keep going that gets you through it. Sometimes I feel that desire, but I’m not giving myself a choice-I just have to keep going.
I really hope everyone here has the desire to keep going. I know it doesn’t solve any problems, but know that you’re not alone. I pray that you all find the outlet and support you all need to get through this. Never give up, your life is worth living, and you DESERVE to be happy.

I’m sorry.

I did a workshop here in my home town two weeks ago about “Mindfulness”.
It was great. I was able to get grounded and alive all at the same time. I can still feel it and the memory of that feeling makes me smile.
Tonite, I got a message from Bottom Line Secrets<BottomLineSecrets@bls.bottomlinesecrets.com with an article about Mindfulness as a way to stabilize yourself before Depression completely immobilizes you. The article mentions Zindel Segal from the Center for Addiction and Mental Health as the source for the Mindfulness information.

Patrick Hundt

It ain't easy, but anything worthwhile is worth the fight.YOU are worth it.

Just by reading this I burst out in tears. I feel the same way. No one really understands me and no one has really been there for me. At least you have your mom there, but it seems as though mine really doesnt even care i exist. Might as well jump off a bridge right?? NO… i’ll just have to keep going and become the best person I can be and shove it down everyone’s throat and show them how big i have become. No can bring you down. Life is a big fight, a daily fight.

Im seventeen.

Oh my, i thought i was the only one. i’ve been struggling with depression since i was 14, now i’m 18 and i finally told my mother… i also drive every morning and wish a truck would run me over. it’s terrible to say, but i’m glad i’m not the only one

I know exactly what you mean. I’m almost 19 now and I only really “came out” with this last year… about four years too late. Stay strong lovely <3

I’ve been here too. Since the age of 14 I’ve been dreaming of dying in my sleep. I can’t tell you why it started, I don’t know myself, but it was only when one of my high school teachers asked me what was going on. It’s nice to know I’m not the only person who felt ashamed – I really tried to hide everything I was feeling from everyone. My mum has no idea, and I can’t build up the courage to tell her. I’m 19 now, and I’m living in France and I’m really scared that I’m going to lose myself over here. What keeps me going is knowing that I’m not alone. One day, we’ll all get through this. We can do it, one step at a time x

I’m 17, and I remember thinking about jumping off really tall buildings since I was 9 – 10 years old. In some people it just comes really early, and it’s caused by a number of reasons.
I myself, had no friends at school, and at home I had two parents, one of which frequently hit me, and both of them never talked to me or paid any attention to me. I too wanted to go to sleep and never wake up again.

I just wrote a long long paragraph about what I’m going through right now but deleted all of it. Because I realize my purpose here isnt to tell you all about my story. It won’t help you. What I can do is tell you to please seek help. Thats hypocritical of me to say, because I’m too afraid to seek help myself. But please do. And know that there is ALWAYS someone out there who cares. Even if you think there is no one, I bet you there is. I know sometimes we make ourselves think that there aren’t. I have parents who care so much about me and best friends and all that, and I sometimes don’t believe any of them care. But please seek help. Think about the last time you were happy, even if it was when you were 4. Do EVERYTHING you can to get yourself back to that. Put all your efforts towards that, make that your life goal, make your life something worth LIVING. Call someone, anyone. Even if its a hotline. Just work, please, work towards becoming happy again. And remember, try and smile at strangers. It could make their day, and perhaps even save their life.

i know exactly how you feel. ever since my dad was arested in put in jail for raping my sister and me, ive been depressed. he was arrested when i was 11, now im 15. i always think of running away, and killing myself. when im in the car with my step dad .i always hope that we get in an accident, and i die, and he lives. so its his fault im dead. sounds bad right? i know, im getting hep right now. im on medicine. and im cant believeim telling the world this, but everyday seems worse. i become sad for no reason, and i want it to stop.

I dream of that too.

To everyone who has been brave enough to post their struggles i commend you. I have been to hell and back struggling with my depression and anxiety. I just want to let you know that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel no matter how far in you already are. You life is a precious gift given to you, you shouldn’t be afraid to live it to the fullest.

There is a certain bond that is made between all people struggling with this and just know that 22% of the American population is going through exactly what you are and we love you!!!!!

This may sound stupid, but listen to it anyway: there is nothing you can DO to stop depression. You can’t pop a magic pill to make it go away, and you can’t send it off into the atmosphere by thinking happy thoughts.

Do you want to get rid of depression?

Then stop thinking about it.

It’s in your head that this problem started in the first place and it’s only by getting out of your head that you can cure it. Depression takes time. It takes YOUR time. So stop giving it the time of day. Whenever you start to feel like crap and start thinking how much of a piece of shit you are, turn those thoughts off. Silence them. Give them no voice. Block out every thought in your mind until there is absolute stillness there. Naturally, you’ll be compelled to start up with the thoughts again almost immediately. That’s when you say in your mind, “Shut the f*ck up!”. Say it once and only once and then focus the only energy you have into hearing the silence. Then let it be and move on with your day.

Depression is like a flower. If you ignore it, it’ll die. The only way to keep it alive is to water it, to make sure it gets to see the light of day. You’ve been staring at this damn flower for a decade. Is it making you feel any good? You’ve got a life to live, whether you feel like you want to live it or not. So, let the damn thing die.

i can relate to this secret for so many years i have felt like crap wished something….anything could happen to me so i could escape…nothing has..i want someone else to be responsible for my death so that my family and friends wont feel like they have missed something….i no as bad as that sounds, thats wat goes through my head whether its in a car crash or a murderer on the lose…i can remember feeling like this ever since i was little maybe about year one at school now im in year 11 bac then i would hit or bang my head against things…mum was a single parent dad never did anything for us really i didnt want to tell mum anything cos she had enough to worry bout she still does…yr 6 i would scratch my wrists it wouldnt bleed but there were lil blood spots my class teacher noticed one day and forced me to go to the councillor who i didnt want to talk to at all but they sed unless i did they would tell mum who was currently also stressin bout my older sisters wedding(im the youngest of 5 kids) all experiences of councilors has been bad…forced…. i cant help myself but to hate them refuse them…i bottle everything up knowing it wont help i rarely cry bout anything but wen i do let lose its over everything not jst that one thing… the past hurt from years ago comes to the surface and bubbles over… recent stresses and problems are becoming much to much to cope with i dont no wat 2 do…i have a best friend who i talk to all the time but less now that we live further away and are at different schools but she has jst as much problems as i do and i take the problems of those around me as my own and try to help them which jst adds them to mine as well….this is only part of my story and it feels pretty good typin it out no one knows who i am so this is safe still, private in a way seein as how its anonmyous but now less is bottled up inside me…i feel helpless but time to go act happy as go to call my boyfriend before i leave for work in a place where everyone pretty much constantly sees me happy and full of energy a place where im called smilely…wish i was like that to the core

I’ve always fantasized about getting hit by cars too. I didn’t realize that I might be depressed.

i dream of dieing everyday, i didnt realize that meant i was depressed..

I’m 21 too. And my depression lasts for 6 years. It’s pretty strange, but as many of us I also think about cars.. We are all over the world. I live on the other side of the planet – in Ukraine. Maybe if you read this or someone would like to talk. here’s my e-mail: ur_darling_joe@bigmir.net

http://www.givesmehope.com/

My depression has gripped me that i know my life will never change.

My prayer every night is not to wake up, in the morning.

To Michaela:YOU have the right and privilege to change YOUR life. It belongs to you and only you. What would your life look like if you were to change it? Can you make even one small step toward that? In doing that one small step you will have claimed YOUR life.That small step might be as simple as changing your prayer.
I am grateful for your words. I am not alone any more. Thank You!
Patrick

Patrick,

Thank you for being so kind. However, I have tried everything from counseling to meds to whatever you can think of…..and this darkness can not go away.

But I hear you in that I choose my life and how it is going to be but if you have a heavy darkness,life is skewed. I know I do not see things in the ‘normal’ way.

But thanking Patrick for reaching out.

Michaela,
Two pieces of advice that have helped me personally over my many years of recovery after a lengthy period of depression are these:
Show up.
Reach out.
Showing up is your ticket into the process of discovering who you really are. In other words, BE there as fully as you can at this moment in your life.
Reaching out opens your arms to receive- and to give back a part of what you have received as your payment of what you received. That’s the fun part, giving back is such a pleasure. That is why I am writing on this web site, I am giving back. I am so grateful for what I have received-MY life.

Patrick

I have been depressed since I was thirteen.
I am now 17, it hasn’t changed much, i’m a lot happier
now than I was, but every so often I choke up about
everything that has happened to me. Depression is
a horrible thing to have. ://

Unrelated:
A redundant sentence is redundant.

I could have sent this secret in myself – fits me perfectly.

this secret fits me so well…
i’ve been depressed and suicidal since around age 6. i wrote up wills…tried to choke myself with pillows (but never with any real intent i think..)…cried myself to sleep. it was bad, but it was passive-aggressive- i wasn’t really going to kill myself, i just wanted to die in this, if it happens i don’t mind type way.
and then i moved, right before 8th grade, and new people, a new place, no friends, making friends, everything just made me spiral downward. ninth grade came, my dad got laid off, my family got worse, more arguing, more money problems, more stress, and i honestly lost it. and i started wondering what the point of life was, why we even bothered living and working and trying for our dreams because it doesn’t matter in the end, we all just die anyway. sophomore year (this year for me) i got worse. i honestly was going to kill myself, for real this time, but i couldn’t do it without saying goodbye to my sister. i wanted to know where she was going to college (she’s a senior) and i wanted to see her graduate and i wanted to talk to her one more time (she was teaching english in taiwan at the time). so i stopped. i waited. and i promised myself that at the end of this year…i’d do it.

it’s the end of the year. my sister is graduating tomorrow. i know where she’s going to college. and i’m not going to kill myself. its been a long battle, but i’m slowly climbing my way back to a state of non-depression. i was talking to my friend in the fall and his story, his own heartbreak and sadness, it made me see- there will always be someone worse off than you. i knew this before of course, but it didn’t really sink in until i knew someone personally who was worse off. i asked him later, what the point of life was, and he told me that while we all will eventually die, we have time , however brief, before that. and what we can do in that time is help others, help to try and make the world a better place for others so they don’t have to go through the same stuff as us. i kept spiralling downwards for awhile, but then in march i visited columbia university. it was nothing out of the ordinary, a normal college visit like the countless others id been on. and yet…this one, this trip to my sister’s dream college, to a city as alive and vibrant, and amazing as NYC, hearing about the future and the possiblities and what life could be like, it made me wake up.

i’ve been working on my depression since then. it’s not easy, i still have my stumbles and falls, the times when i cry and feel miserable and alone,and i just want to disappear…but then i think about Columbia, and college, and the future, and what my friend told me, and I smile.

depression is like a rock, a weight in my stomach, pulling me down, making it hard to breathe. i have my friends and my family and with their support, i can make it disappear. i’ve been chipping away at it since march, and already i feel like i can breathe easier. it’s a long road….but i think i can make it. =]

I’m almost 21 and have fought with it since I was like…8. It is a long, hard, road with a lot of bumps–man it sucks. haha But ya gotta try to laugh at some of the things in life. It makes it less intense.

I’ve never told anyone…Its good to know some people have the courage to let others help them. I am still lost.

Deborah: You have that courage too.
You, also, just told someone -Me and the other followers of Postsecret.
Thank you.
Patrick