December 13, 2009
I wish that day had lasted forever, somehow i hope you know this.
you wont be pitied. thats an unforgivable thing to do to a person. And, his wife deserves to know. Be a strong person, stronger than him, and tell her. Its the right thing to do. Even if no one else knows about it to avoid pity.
Also: wouldnt people already give you pity for thinking you husband is dead?
It’s not the same, I’ve grieved him for two years just to find out that he was alive and I feel like a fool. I wish he had just told me he didn’t want to marry me anymore, I would have understood; people change after deployments, he was different when he came back from his first and I expected it from his second. I never expected this from him though, and why should I hurt his wife just to make myself feel better? I don’t even know the girl and they live hundreds of miles away-I don’t want to hurt her or him in the way he hurt me and I think that makes me the stronger person.
I think it’d be extremely for you to tell someone. You choose who- that’s solely your decision. And, I think at some point you should let him know you know. Because girl, he doesn’t deserve you and I think it would do wonders to know that he has to face the fact that you are surviving and living without him. Without the ‘comfort’ in the masquerade.
I’m sorry that you have to go through this.
i think you should let him know. dont make a big fuss, just let him know that you know. you wont be pitied. if anything its him who should be pitied, not being man enough to tell you the truth. i dont know about telling his current wife, im undecided about that.
My husband DID die while in the military,and while coming back from overseas duty. I used to have the same kind of nightmares (of him being alive and with someone else) that you live with in reality. I’m sorry.. I eventually got through my nightmares. It may take awhile for you to get through it, but you CANNOT and SHOULD NOT live with this secret. It will kill you. Maybe not physically, but emotionally, psychologically, mentally. Do you really want him to have that power over you? As long as you keep it to yourself he “wins.” Don’t forget, he is living with his lie too, and I highly doubt he’s happy,and he WILL deal with it some day. Be the better person,get help,tell someone, clergy, counseling of some kind. Once you get it off your chest you will start to feel better. I know. Thats what I had to do after my husband died. Don’t tell his lady. She probably didn’t know, and even if she did, its still his responsiblilty. Godbless you and.. I don’t know if you believe in prayer..but my prayers are with you~ beejaayee
I’m sorry you went through that. That’s incredibly cruel. The truth is, if he’s not man enough to break up with you, he’s worthless. If you think it will give you closure, then tell him, but don’t make a big deal out of it. However, remember it’s not going to change anything. Make sure you’re doing it to get past it, and not for any other reason. Moving on is the best course of action. Consider yourself fortunate to not be married to someone like that.
You’re an amazing selfless person. I was reading Dear John (Nicholas Sparks) and I have this habit of noting down parts of the book that really touch my heart.
These two pertain to you endlessly.
1) But I also learned that it’s possible to
go on, no matter how impossible it seems, and that in time, the
grief … lessens. It may not ever go away completely, but after a while it’s not overwhelming
2) love meant that you care for another person’s happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the choices you face might be
You’re a much better person than he’ll ever be. You deserve so much better.
Thank you so much for this. I recently saw the previews for the film based on Nicholas Sparks’ book and I felt a strange connection to the bits of the story shown in the preview. I means a lot that you took the time to share this with me, especially the second quote, in a way it helps lessen the pain a bit.
I’m so terribly sorry for your loss, I’ve been in your position (well I was until I found out he was still alive) so I can understand the pain this kind of a loss brings. I’m glad you were able to seek help and get over the terrible loss of your husband, it’s horrible to loose someone that you loved so much, and I can’t imagine how terrible it must have been to have nightmares of him still being alive and having to work through loosing him all over again. With respect to your comment that I tell someone, the wonderful thing about postsecret is that it has allowed me to tell my secret-to you, and anyone else who comes on this site and reads my post. That has been such a liberating feeling and it has helped me start to finally get over this. I do believe in prayer and I thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers. I don’t know exactly what God’s plan for my future is, but I’m sure there is something wonderful in my future and this experience will help me to appreciate it all the more when it comes along. Again I’m so sorry for the lost of your husband-God bless and much love
I can’t believe you went through this! but if you don’t mind me asking, how did you find out? wasn’t there a funeral service? I’m sorry if the questions are too personal, and if you choose to reply, you can email me instead of writing it on here.
ps. I’m kinda going through a similar situation…
you are strong
you are sweet to think that way, if you fall in love again soon you will know why life has dealt you these cards…best wishes to you! your an inspiration
I pray that God blesses you with a husband that deserves you. I can’t imagine what you I’ve been through. You are really strong to have that outlook and not be bitter towards him after what he did.
I’m so sorry it took me so long to respond, I didn’t see this comment until today. I found out on facebook of all things-I remained in touch with his family for a couple years and his brother was friends with him on facebook. My fiance (former fiance) is now under a different name and married to a woman in Florida (I called the brother and confirmed). The family was trying to spare me the hurt of finding out, they had only recently found out themselves that he was alive.
To answer your other question we did have a funeral, but he was hit by an IED so there wasn’t really anything to bury (or so we thought). Apparently the wrong body was identified and he was alive the whole time finishing out his tour, and he saw the mistaken id as a way to start a whole new life somewhere else.
I’m sorry you’re going through a similar situation, if you would like to talk feel free to email me, I’d be glad to help in any way I can.
You are going to be an amazing wife for someone else x
wow. can i be your friend? you’re strong!
Wasn’t your first clue that he might not be deceased the fact that there was no funeral? I’m a military wife and your ‘secret’ seems off to me.
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