43 thoughts on “I want my friend back”

  1. my boyfriend said something like that to me when i was suffuring from ana. he said your not really mine, your hers……i think about that everyday….i’m all his now

  2. Dude, no offense, but you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. Contrary to popular belief, anorexia is not a controlled method to get thin quickly. It’s not something anyone chooses to do in order to fit into a size zero, and it does absolutely NOTHING to change a mind that hates the body attached to it.

    After starving myself to 99 pounds down from 150, I still hated my body. Everyone does when they already hate themselves; no goal weight can fix that. The only difference now is a terrifying memory that will haunt me for the rest of my life.

    Your comment derives from the cultural notion that eating disorders are acceptable. It’s very disturbing; start thinking for yourself.

    “We think of bulimia and anorexia as either a bizarre psychosis, or as a quirky little habit, or as a thing that women just do. We forget that it is a violent act, that it bespeaks a profound level of anger toward and fear of the self.”

    “The worries about your weight do not decrease no matter how much weight you lose. Rather, they grow. And the more you worry about your weight, the more you are willing to act on that worry. You really do have to have an excessive level of body loathing to rationally convince yourself that starvation is a reasonable means to achieve thinness…When you have no sense of physical integrity- a sense that your own health is important, that your body, regardless of shape, is something that requires care and feeding and a basic respect for the biological organism that it is- a very simple, all-to-common thing happens: You cross over from a vague wish to be thinner into a no-holds-barred attack on your flesh.”

  3. thank you for saying this. i lost myself to this disease for a long time.. now my little sister is losing the battle. it sickens me that people can distort the pain of ED for a “diet that works”.

  4. I know exactly what you mean. I feel bad for people with eating disorders, but I also wish that I was the one having it. I hate my body, and I’d love the attention. Please don’t judge me.

  5. I know what you guys are saying. Ana is a serious and life-threatening disease. What I want is to despise food and have the strength to NOT eat, to have the ability to get past those hunger pangs. That’s what I am jealous of in an anorexic person. The way I see myself is so warped and fucked up that I NEED to be skinny. Don’t bash me for what I wrote. And don’t lecture me. It’s not your place. I don’t preach to you so back off and leave me to my own mind-set. Pinky swear you WONT change it.

  6. I appreciate the backup. There are not enough people who actually believe that eating disorders are dangerous addictions, and it’s very reassuring to know that I’m not the only one with this outlook. Thank you.

  7. Maybe I’m preaching, but believe me, this is one of the only things I feel is worth preaching. I do it because you’re on to (not to mention exploiting) something that will either kill you or consume you for the rest of your life, and you don’t seem to give two shits about it. You call it ana, which is a nice way of saying anorexia, a glamorous way, if you will, which indicates that you have already fallen for our society’s disgusting outlook that says eating disorders are perfectly acceptable and sustainable. Not only that, but you are in seriously sick denial if you think that starving is not an instant route to “a serious and life-threatening disease.”
    Jesus Christ, people with anorexia don’t DESPISE food, and they don’t have the “ability” to choose whether or not they want those hunger pangs, therefore they cannot possibly be strong. They are very afraid of food, and they are ADDICTED. If it wasn’t an addiction, no one would die, and if you don’t seek help when you have an eating disorder, then you eventually WILL die, no questions asked.
    This only outlines the fact that eating disorders generally have nothing to do with food, and they are not simply a representation of fixing physical imperfections. They are mental diseases with physical effects, and you have no idea what you’re in for mentally. People who develop anorexia or bulimia all have their own reasons, whether they know them or not, but the only commonality they share is that they have a very passionate hate for themselves, which in turn they deal with through restricting, excessive bingeing, or throwing up. My concern is that if you think starving is a suitable technique to getting thin, then you have absolutely no respect for yourself. If you did, then you would put your health over your desire to lose weight in such a damaging way.
    And frankly, I don’t really give a shit if you think I’m just judging you when I’m trying to help you. I have been through the entire hell of an eating disorder, and the aftermath sucks just as much as the starving did, because now I’m stuck with knowing that I almost killed myself over something deeper that I couldn’t deal with. Oh yeah, I was definitely thin, but that was the only thing I had when I was pissing blood because my kidneys were starting to shut down. I had no friends left, I wouldn’t speak to my parents because they kept trying to help me, and I couldn’t accomplish anything else because the only thing I thought was worth achieving was shrinking even more so. It wasn’t fucking worth it.
    I know you think I’m an asshole, but you’re an anonymous blogger, so I’m not going to lose sleep over it. I am wasting my time writing this because I hope that at least one person will get help for this sickness that will completely destroy their life, physical or mental. A lot of them won’t listen, but when they find out for themselves, they will either die or perhaps, hopefully, they will feel obligated to tell others how fucked up it is.

  8. If you feel like you were wasting your time writing that then why did you write me a fucking novel? I didn’t even read it. IT’s all bla bla bla to me. I don’t give a shit about what you say. I am NOT anorexic. I just wish I could have that control and not be able to eat. I don’t think that I could be anorexic, honestly. FOOD IS DELICIOUS.

    I dont think anorexia is okay AT ALL. I am against it,and I hope that anyone who has it will get help so they can over-come it. I just want to be able to hold back when I get hungry, that’s all. So STFU, thanks <3

  9. Replying to something before you read it is not wise. For instance, my previous comment had already presented a very detailed argument explaining that eating disordered people do not have any control whatsoever. Also, just so you know, saying you can’t read something because it’s too long makes you sound like a little kid. Too bad you’re not; at least that would give you an excuse for being so fucking stupid.

    Actually, I bet you’re in high school, with all the “STFU” bullshit, so maybe you’ll grow up a little bit in the future. Try reading more, even the books without any pictures. It will at least do something for your terrible grammar.

  10. I’ve graduated High School very high in my class. I’m not going to start a fucking grammar war with you on the internet. I’m not retarded OR stupid. I say one little thing and you blow it up because you don’t have a come-back for me telling you off. You just lost; so give up.

    Say what you like, I’m not wasting any more time on this fucking website ‘chatting’ with you. Preach all you want, in the end I will blow off everything you say and not lose a second of sleep over it. So save yourself the trouble of typing out another lecture for me to read and just quit. Bye.

  11. It sickens me to hear things like this. Saying you wish you had anorexia is the same as saying you wish you had cancer or AIDS. It’s a horrible disease that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

  12. You’re contradicting youself. You say that you’re against anorexia, but you wish you had the control or will to starve yourself? Sweetie, do you realize that is the definition of anorexia?

    You’re very ignorant and closeminded. And obviously seeking attention.

  13. I think you should have said “I want to go on a diet and stick to it”.. whatever, the discussion is over anyways.

  14. Samantha – definately not wasting your time writing that, it struck a cord with me, just wanted to let you know

  15. I get what you mean. I know girls who don’t eat like they should for months & basically starve the weight off & then when they get where they want they just watch what they eat… I wish I could do that. But, food is DELICIOUS! Everyone blew that completely out of proportion.

  16. To the person who wrote/created this:
    I thought your post was wonderfully done. You must be an amazing friend. S/he is lucky to have you and I hope you get your friend back too. Hang in there

  17. This means a lot to me. It genuinely frustrates me that people do not see the real, horrifying psychological effects of EDs. I struggled with anorexia for years, and still have not found true happiness in my own body.
    I can totally relate to this post, in the way that at times I really do miss my ‘friend’, anorexia. But I know now that no friend would hurt me like that. It’s this same feeling that lets me know that my real friends right now aren’t worth my time either. If they can’t understand the battle I fought, the same battle I fight every day, if they can make jokes and call me fat and think it’s okay, then they’re no better friends than anorexia ever was.

    Thankyou for your post. It really does make me happy to know that some people out there still understand that my life (and the lives of thousands of people like me) are not a joke, or a ‘quick fix’.

  18. I suffered with anorexia for years. It is not something to joke about, and it is not something to desire. I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone at all.
    But at the same time, I am not going to shout at you. I understand the part of you that wishes you could be like this. I genuinely miss my ED every day.
    I have heard the ‘attention’ story before. I’m actually glad you can admit it. A lot of people out there are faking eating disorders in order to get attention, and that really is sick. These people have no clue what they’re talking about.
    But I do empathise with you wanting to be anorexic.

    Not that you could, but don’t go down that road. It’s not worth it.

  19. ‘Girl’ is pretty obviously some stupid kid who thinks it would be ‘cool’ to have an ED, and that it would get her the attention she wants.
    THAT is what is truly sick.

    And, as ‘thankyou’ said, you have not wasted your time Samantha. I read it, and having suffered much like you, I can totally relate.
    Thankyou so much for posting. The only person you’ve wasted your time with is the pathetic little child who posted in the first place.

  20. I’m really glad that this is the way that you see this post. Everyone thinks that she’s referring to anorexia as the ‘friend’ but you think it’s a friend with anorexia?
    I think it’s really nice that you can be optimistic like that. 🙂

  21. My best friend died 5 months ago because she was anorexic.. I met her only 8 months ago.. It kills me that I couldn’t stop her..

  22. people are going to get mad: but go ahead. The world needs fewer people like you who glorify such horrible diseases and infect our young with your moronic behavior

  23. I think the person posting this is saying that they wish they had the comfort back. I know what they mean. When all you can think about all day, every day is food, and the lack of it… Without that you go crazy trying to fill in your life with other things. People stare for different reasons now. I’m not “anorexic girl,” i’m the girl in the cashpoint queue lining the things on the conveyer belt with a ruler in my mind. I’m the girl who is afraid of hair, i’m a lot of things, none of which are me.
    To be honest, I’d rather give up all my OCD habits and go back to controlling the one thing i WANT to control.

  24. Kayla, Starving yourself for a few weeks and then watching what you eat is not anorexia. That’s fasting. Somewhat extreme fasting, but still fasting. Some religions require it for holy days. Anorexia is compulsive fasting that doesn’t stop. HUGE difference.

    “Girl” you have every right to do whatever the hell you want to your body, but to say you wish you could have anorexia when so many young women struggle just to look at themselves in the mirror because of this disease is not only horrific but completely counter productive, especially since you already seem to have at least some insecurity about your physical appearance.

  25. I’m months late, but SAMANTHA: You are very wise and articulate, and I’ve saved your messages to my computer to remind myself that there are still people in this world who care enough to stop a stranger from hurting herself. Thank you.

  26. I ha anorexia for 2year now have bulimia self harm the list can go on!! Anorexia practically killed my life, lead to me trying to kill myself!! So “girl” think yourself lucky you haven’t got a fucking eating disorder because you havnt got a clue!! I wake up everyday loathing my body still!! You have it for life its not just some stupid fad!! Anorexia you physically can’t eat you don’tstop yourself!! You know nothing about it pet!!! So don’t wish it on yourself you freak!!!! Go and eat a filing greasy burger or something greasy like that!!!

  27. this sounds like my best friend submitted it. When this was submitted I was lost to the disease. Now everyone thinks I am better but I hate myself just as much and instead have a binge eating disorder.

  28. Nicole 🙂 !! Know where your coming from!! Everyone thinks I’m better but far from it!! No one understands how much I hate myself!! It’s been the hardest year of my life and that’s becasue I made the worst decision of my life…. To beat Ana I wish I never tried… If you ever need to talk i’m here for you!!xx

  29. I think that this has been severely misunderstood! I am severely overweight because I eat when I’m stressed, I feel like I have no control over my eating, sometimes I wish that my brain functioned as such that I stopped eating rather than eating too much. I DO NOT wish to be anorexic or have any eating disorder but when your are overweight to a dangerous degree but feel like you cant control your eating enough to stop, sometimes it seems like it would be easier if your ED made you skinny instead of fat!

    Just a note that I am aware that both are unhealthy but until you are inside someone’s mind – try not to judge. You say you had anorexia, well imagine how you would have felt at that time if people said you were disgusting and attention seeking…

    Food for thought (excuse the pun) 🙂

  30. No na I get you!! I got told all the time by my family they wanted me to get better, and I look a lot healthier now, but saying that if you haven’t had anorexia you can’t understand what’s going in there head! I get where you coming from!! I do the exact opposite and don’t ear when I’m stressed and it’s stupid because it makes me more stressed but i can’t not do that! If you get me!! So many people think that anorexics are doing it for attention but would they really go to the length of nearly killing them selves and causing loads of complications to there life!?? Xxx

  31. As someone who has had many friends suffering from eating disorders, and is bulimic as well… all I know is that most people living with an eating disorder wouldn’t wish it on their worst enemy.

    I hope that all of you who are struggling, or who have friends who are, find a path to recovery soon.

    And for those of you who don’t understand eating disorders, honestly I hope you never do.

  32. I agree that people shouldn’t wish they had an eating disorder but did any of the previous posters think that my being mean and calling “Girl” names might just be the push for her to actual do something to herself. I have never had an eating disorder but I do know words can hurt

  33. Eating disorders are hell. Your means of maintaining life becomes twisted in your head and you STARVE YOURSELF TO DEATH. You can’t just turn it off, or reach your goal weight and go have brunch with the girls. To all my brothers and sisters that are going through it or are recovering, stay strong. You are not alone. For the attention seeking little brats that want to have anorexia or bulimia because it’s cool, it would KILL you. You would never survive it. You are obviously too weak of mind already to weather a storm like that.

  34. samantha- after spending a half hour reading & re-reading your comments (& sobbing), i wanted the disease more. i thought, ‘if i continue starving myself to the point of organ failure, will that make me a real person?’. i know that was not your intention.

    what an asinine disease, that someone’s comments that were meant to highlight dangers instead inspire destruction.

  35. Samantha you are so inspiring. I am currently suffering from bullemia and I’m just starting to tell my boyfriend. He doesn’t know how bad it is, but I am finally seeking help and am not so ashamed of myself for it anymore. Thank you.

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